Overheard From The Back Of The Van

You guys are going to think I made this up. This was an actual, practically verbatim conversation from the back of my van this afternoon during carpool. If you do do not believe me, you can call or email Jamie or Connor. They were there too, they can vouch for my truthfulness! Grant is five and Livvy is four. All capitalization was actual emphatic voice raising and inflection...


Olivia: Are we getting married?

Grant: Yeah, still. But when we're married it is YOUR job to change ALL da diapers.

Olivia: Not when I go to Book Club. When I go to Book Club you have to change the diapers. Even the poopy ones.

Grant: I'll go to Book Club.

Olivia: Daddies don't go to Book Club. They stay home to change the diapers and put all the kids in the bed.

Grant: We'll have to take the babies on our date.

Olivia: NNNOOOO THAT is a family date!! When WE go on a date the Grammy or the Auntie or the babysitter will change the diapers.

Grant: We have to take the baby on the dates!

Olivia: THAT IS NNNOOOTT A DATE!!! Dates are when the babies STAY HOME! When we get married you will know that.

Times like these, I am so glad I got the van without the rear entertainment system. This is SO much better!

Weekend Re-cap and a Weighty Question

**First of all - Sorry for publishing unfinished post! I'd still swear that I hit save, not publish!**

Weekend was pretty darn good. Parent-Teacher conferences on Friday went smoothly. My children are brilliant and well behaved, but one of them is terribly unorganized. No shock there. Tell me something I don't know! Later in the evening, Rich and I did some furniture shopping and then stopped for a drink or two. I should have not had the "two." Bad, Bad, Bad idea. I don't know if the bartender slipped something in my drink or what, but lets just say Friday night will go down in the history books as one of my very worst nights ever. At some point I decided the cooler night air felt better so I went to sit outside for a bit only to have Rich come to find me an hour later saying, " I really think sleeping on the front porch is not a classy option." Thus, I have concluded my yearly refresher session of "Why MaryB never has more than one drink." I am a lightweight. I take Children's Claritin, Tylenol, and Motrin for Pete's sake! The silver lining to this Friday night cloud is that my net calorie consumption was definitely a big, fat zero.

Jamie had a tennis tournament on Saturday, but did not have to play his first match until 11am! Meaning, of course, that we got to sleep in! I LOVE waking up without some obnoxious beeping or buzzing jarring me awake. I am also getting spoiled by the fact that Rich is finally senior enough to hold lines with weekends at home. **knocking on wood** So, waking up with a husband to no alarm clock = bliss! The weather was lovely so long as you were in the shade and there was plenty of shade because the match was at TCU where trees line all of the courts. I packed up a cooler of drinks and snacks, my folding chairs, and a big blanket. It was really nice. Jamie was nervous as this was his first time to play in the boys 14 bracket, but was so happy to be doing it on his home turf and his coaches in charge of the tournament. He made it to the semis despite the fact that some of the boys looked like grown men. Meanwhile, Connor had his second session of First Tee. Guys, if you have children, I can not stress enough how wonderful this first Tee program is!!! Look into it, really! I think of it as junior cotillion taught through the medium of golf. Especially if you have a shy child or a child who lacks self-confidence, or if you just want a child with a winning attitude - this program is great!!! AND it is cheap!!!! Unfortunately, I have no pictures to share because I turned on the camera to take some pictures only to discover that my memory card was full.

Sunday was a day of exercising, furniture shopping, and general housekeeping. The weekly event of the Sunday night uniform laundry was made much more exciting by the start of new seasons for Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters. Oh, my love, lust, and obsession with Rob Lowe knows no bounds. I'll be his nanny any day! I love him any way I can get him, but his character on this show makes my knees even weaker than usual. His voice unnerves me.

As I climbed into bed, I grabbed two more letters from "the box." I am more than half-way through reading all of the letters ( I told you there were A LOT!). I usually grab two letters from the box as I climb into bed. I grab randomly and out of order so I never know what I'm going to get. I suppose that I should have ordered them by date and then read them like a story. Oh well.

Here is what I find strange. He was so effusive in his declarations of love and devotion back then. What happened to that? Yes, yes, I know that kind of drunk-love loses out to everyday life and normalcy at some point. But really? The person who wrote those letters and the man I live with are NOT the same person. So, being the idiot that I am, I asked him about it. His reply? That he loves me more now than then. Huh? Really?

So, I have been mulling this over and here are my thoughts that are actually questions for you all... After 13 years does the phrase, "i love you" lose some of is lustre? Have you heard it so much that you cant really accept it for the true depth of its meaning anymore? Does he think the same thing about me, that I do not have the same passion and love for "us" and him as I did back then? Because, really NOTHING could be FURTHER from the truth. I always just assumed that he was VERY clear on the fact that he makes me crazy, drunk-in-love with him. I think that I go out of my way to make it clear. The only difference between back then and now is that there have been times in the past 13 years that I could have killed him with my bare hands. (e.g. here!) In the end, it all makes me love him and us more. How do you all find new ways of letting your man know you love him? And he for you? AND, remember my MOM reads this blog so if you know her and don't want to blush next time you see her, you might want to edit or email me your comments... If you don't know her in real life, then what do you care? Comment away! And, really, I don't think much shocks her anyway. Seriously, she has ME for a daughter.

AAWWWW, You Guys...You're the Best!

You guys....you are the best, really you are. It brought a literal mist to my eyes to get all the phone calls, email, and comments inquiring as to my whereabouts and well-being!

Unfortunately, I am still not really in the state-of-mind to blog. Just in a plain ol', old-fashioned funk. I have tried to work through said funk by writing about it, but it is so vague that there is nothing TO write. I just can't put my finger on what is causing it! Basically, it is everything and also nothing. Have you ever felt like that? I'm sure you have.

Also, I am short on time lately. Holy Hell! the PTO owns me. Maybe it is because the somewhat OCD part of me takes over and "good enough" is NEVER enough for me. And there is just ALWAYS another event to plan or group to organize or spreadsheet to create. Currently, I am entrenched in planning a Johnny Appleseed back-to-school family dance. The details, while interesting and adorable to me, would bore you to tears.

Lastly, the traveling husband has been home more than is typical lately. It has been nice, but he requires my time when he is here - hence, less time for blogging. (And Ill tell you a secret...I must be accustomed to his being gone so often, because he was starting to drive me Ca-razy and I was not too very sad to see him depart for a few days this morning!)

I'm still keeping up with all of you and your more-interesting-than-mine lives though! so, even if I'm not actually writing here, Ill at least try to be better about commenting. It just seems to require SO much energy...ugh, see what I mean? I am in such a funk that I think it takes too much energy to comment! WTH?

Oh, and, tonight is the first night that I've had to wait up for my suddenly-a-teenager to come home. He went to the high school football game with his friends and his friends' older siblings. I guess this is where IT starts!!!!!! EECK! Wasn't it just five minutes ago that I was tying green and gold ribbons onto my ponytail before a high school football game on a Friday night?

Another Lesser Moment in Parenting Brought To You by Campaign 08

Boys: "Mom, why do you and Daddy disagree so much about politics?"

Mom: "Because Daddy is too dumb to realize that I am smarter."

I explained to them that I was kidding. I promise I did. Well, mostly kidding.

Lesser Moments in Parenting; You Can't Kill a Chicken That's Already Dead!

I have a temper. A big, bad one. I have learned over the years how to contact my inner "zen" when i feel myself losing it. However, there is one topic that causes me to blow my top every. single. time. My husband has an annoying way of belittling my housekeeping skills. I am not the best at it. But, I like it to be clean and orderly and I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up about it all the time. I am a VERY busy person. I have three kids and a husband who is perpetually traveling. You might be able to imagine how much it makes me crazy when he saunters home from a trip in a hotel room to let me know how I could be doing things better around here. Ya know? AS IF he has a fllippin clue as to how to run things around here or how crazy it is on a day to day basis. Even on the few times I have left him in charge I come home to homework not done, bedtimes ignored, and sometimes a mess in the kitchen. Weekends he's in charge - I leave meals to eat, school project supplies purchased and organized with a plan for the project...let's just say he doesn't get the REAL picture of what it is like to be me! And, he has this completely DELUDED notion that he is the only one in the house who picks up after himself and he is rather sanctimonious about it. This makes my head spin in rapid circles while levitating above my neck because he has NO IDEA how many things of his I pick up and put away on a daily basis. I could explain this topic forever, but that is not the point today (although it is always the point of every irritating thought in my head!). Long point made short - his commenting on housework makes me mad as hell.

One night a few years ago, I was already in a bad mood due to children being irritating and especially needy. The house was a mess. I had had a hell of a day. We had just moved here and I was homesick and had no friends. I was making dinner. It was probably something yummy, but I don't remember what it was. I was managing dinner, homework, and at that point Grant was still a new walker and was toddling around behind me whining and clutching my legs while I tried to bustle around the kitchen. There was a package of chicken breasts on the counter. One of the packages in the styrofoam trays. Rich enters the house and proceeds to criticize my parenting, my homework tutelage, etc, etc....I'm obviously pissed, yet he just keeps right on. I think I even warned him to cut it out! Then, he did it...He stared asking me in some condescending, sing-song way about every thing on the counter. Fight started. Game on.

I was so irate that I think I honestly blacked out. I remember feeling dizzy and woozy my head was spinning so fast. My ears were literally hot. I was getting ready to slice the chicken breasts with a big knife. Finally, I was ready to hurt someone or throw something. Somehow this rage turned into me screaming at him to "JUST!! SHUT!! UP!!!! I! HATE!! YOU!!" while I stabbed the chicken over and over with the big knife. Next thing I know, I see Jamie and Connor (ages 9 and 6) cowering in the corner, whimpering, "she's killing the chicken...." I had scared the crap out of them. I feel very badly about it to this day. It was DEFINITELY a lesser moment in parenting. It got worse. Later, when trying to apologize to everyone for my inexcusable behavior I tried to justify part of my behavior by rationalizing that you can't kill something that is already dead. (told Rich privately that he should be damn happy there was chicken on the counter or he might have been at the end of my knife instead of the chicken) However, it is pretty funny around here when people use the chicken as a warning. Just the other day, Rich and I were bantering about politics (when aren't we?) and Jamie says, "Dad, I think you'd better cool it or she's gonna kill another chicken." And, whenever Rich helps cook (and by help, I mean take things out of the refrigerator when I ask, because seriously, I'm not sure he can boil water) if there is chicken anywhere to be seen, he will point to he chicken and say, "you boys better behave or the chicken's gonna get it!"

Are you all afraid of me now?

Letting the Punishment Fit the Crime

If you know me IRL, then you know that this is often how I parent. I think the fancy-pants psychologists call it "natural-consequence parenting." I call it "better than screaming my bloody head off and wanting to strangle them parenting." I like to make a lasting impression on them so that they do not repeat whatever offensive behavior has occurred. ( I am afraid that, on occasion, the lasting impression created is that their mother is a psycho.)

For example, when the big two were little and they got into a squabble that escalated to the point where one hit, pinched, kicked the other then the punishment was that they had to sit and hold hands for 5 minutes. At the end of the five minutes, they could only get up if they could apologize to each other and tell me three good reasons they were glad that the other was their brother. (do I have this on video? You better believe it!) If you slam a door in this house, you are required to SLOWLY open and close it 10 times without making a bit of noise - If you make noise, you start back over at 1. If you cannot pick up your toys, then obviously you have too many to handle and we should give them to unfortunate children who do not have so many. Can't stop biting your nails in church? Well then, obviously you need a manicure! Which I will complete with pink nail polish that you will leave on for at least 24 hours as we run around town.

I've got more, but you get the idea. Yes?

Today was a "non-uniform" day at school. Jamie came out for breakfast looking presentable. However, I noticed that he had on no-show socks with his Vans. The school has some stupid rule about this for some unknown, stupid reason. Your socks have to show and they have to cover your ankle bone. ( I know! DUMB! but its the RULE!) I brought this to Jamie's attention. He informed me that I was wrong and that Amber (a girl in his class) told him that the rule had changed. I replied that I was unaware of this and that I would know as I am on the darn policy committee. He insisted that he was SURE about this new found sock freedom. He ate and left for school.

I went about my normal business. At around 10:30 am I went to pull my cell phone off the charger. I saw that I had a missed call/voicemail at 8:21am. Do I really need to tell you who it was from and what it said? Of course it was Jamie pleading for me to bring him socks so that he would not get an Out of Uniform violation....HA! AS IF! No way! You can take the violation, pal! I thought I was doing well to not cave and force him to suffer the consequences of his bad choices.

BUT I WAS OUTDONE AT MY OWN GAME!!!! I present you with the sight that greeted me when I picked him up at 3pm this afternoon...

Yes, yes, in case you can't see them clearly... Those are PINK knee socks!!!

The only problem here is that Jamie found it all quite hilarious, especially since two of his friends suffered the same fate. I think the three of them kind of enjoyed their "celebrity status" all day. Lets just hope that the lesson was still learned even if it wasn't exactly "the hard way."

Back to School - The After School Edition

• Connor likes his teacher
• Jamie likes all of his teachers, but thinks it is a pain to have to change classes and go to his locker all day.
• Connor was not happy at all that his religion teacher gave them an assignment on the first day. In fact he said, "I don't think a religion teacher should be so sacrilegious as to give us an assignment on the first day."
• Jamie was equally displeased that the new Spanish teacher gave him an assignment on the first day.
• Neither Connor nor Jamie likes that the new Spanish teacher speaks no English in her classroom for 5th grade and up. In further evidence that my children are total smart-asses they said, "She makes Spanish seem like a foreign language!" They thought they were very clever and cracked themselves up at lunch over this one. (We ate trashy Chinese at the buffet they make me take them to every year on the first day of school. I happen to LOVE tradition for the sake of tradition, so I play along even though the food is gross. Blame the Catholicity!)
• More evidence that my kids are ridiculously lucky to get to go to this school...Every kid found one of these beautiful cookies on their desk this morning: (School mascot is a hornet)

Say a little prayer that tomorrow goes as smoothly. I have my doubts as tomorrow is a formal uniform day, and I'm likely to forget to help Jamie tie his tie tonight and then there will be much stressing an crazy hurrying around like chickens with our heads cut off in the morning. Hopefully, just writing that sentence here will help imprint the mental memo onto my brain. Or, maybe Ill make my Palm yell at me ...Duh! Should have thought of that before right now!

All Systems Go! Photodocumentation for Dad

The first day of 5th and 7th grades! It went pretty smoothly. I hope they don't think breakfast will be this yummy everyday. They had raspberry coffee cake, eggs, bacon, and fruit. Yes, that is a coffee cup in front of Connor - he is his momma's boy!

The annual front and back "ready to go" pictures!

OH MY GOSH!!! Best part of the morning! The music teacher was playing twinkling background piano as the students and parents came in this morning. It was like the festive happy atmosphere of Nordstroms on a Saturday. I LOVE this school for things just like this. It REALLY IS the little touches that matter! I could gush about their school for many a paragraph, so I'll cut myself off right here.

Connor in the 5th Grade classroom!

I even snuck down the middle school hallway and got these blurry pictures of the new 7th grader! He looks just "miserable," doesn't he?

Truer Words Never Spoken

A friend of Connor's came to pick him up to take him to his class's Back-to-School party tonight. His mother is very nice and she is fascinated by the pilot marriage lifestyle. She is constantly (like to the point of being annoying) telling me how she "could not do it!" she "doesn't know HOW I do it!" and that I am her "hero" and "amazing!" It is all very sweet. Really, it is. I'm not gonna say that I don't like the praise. I usually respond that,"Well, I've never known anything different." Today, she was gushing more than usual after a week of PTO craziness. She only saw the results. She didn't see the behind-the-scenes pictures of my house going to hell in a hand basket, or the laundry piling up higher than Mount McKinley, or the amount of fast food crap my children ate during the insanity that was my week. She once again said, " I just don't know how you do all that you do!"

Connor looked up at her and said, "Sometimes she just doesn't."

That, my friends, is EXACTLY HOW I do it...Sometimes I just DON'T.

Too Tired to Actually Write Anything...Change of Command Festivities

We took the boys out to the squadron to see some of the cool planes that had flown in for the Change of Command on the Friday before the ceremony.

Do I not look preggers in this picture? Must burn that shirt immediately. Such a shame - I thought I loved that top!


Rich will hate that I included this picture, but I HAD to beecaauuse, look at Connor's face! Me thinks someone was annoyed! (If you can't see his face - I think if you click on the picture it will go to full size. Same goes for all of my pics on this blog far as I can tell.)

What is so funny? ME! That's what! And they were laughing AT me, not WITH me! To avoid this situation I recommend not mistaking the word "ecstasy" (the drug) with the "exit seat."

When I was downloading the pictures off the camera, I was like, "Holy Crap! There's a ghost behind Rich!" I always knew Jason was creepy!

Believe it or not, this picture is a total candid, not posed AT ALL...The most quintessential picture of Patton ever!

All I can hear in my head is Reese Witherspoon, "You have your baby!......In. a. bar."


This is what Rich and MaryB look like with headaches after along day. Somehow, whenever the white uniforms get worn, headaches ensue.

And a Good Time was Had By All

I am having a hard time readjusting to normal life. Especially since normal life really is not normal life. I came home to a house torn down to the studs in my kitchen/family room. There are workmen of some sort or another here all the time. It is progress, exciting progress, but it is definitely not normal life. Vacation was WONDERFUL! There were some more pics I wanted to include but someone's hubs forbid me to post pictures of him without his written consent. I think he was kidding, but in the end, he wins because the adorable pictures of him and the adorable AJ left with Rich on the laptop. These will have to do for now. (Please keep in mind that I am NOT a photographer like Tracy or Paige!) It just figures that the only picture of me was taken the day I wore the bathing suit that I hate the most due to its unflattering nature! Grant turned 5 while at the beach! He loved his Kung Fu Panda cake, but was utterly TRAUMATIZED by the sombrero, singing, and smearing of whipped cream on his face at the Mexican restaurant. Seriously, it was bad. He was inconsolably sad. Thank God for my brilliant idea to let him open his presents to pull him out of his funk! And thank Ya-Ya Ma for getting him the Speed Racer that was just the thing that pulled him back into HappyLand!

So sweet, it will rot your teeth right the heck out!

There are no words for my happiness at seeing my and el-e-e's friendship pass down to the next generation!


WHAT kind of face is that you ask??? The face of a kid who REALLY doesn't want his picture taken, yet has been bribed for his compliance.


Summer Bliss!

Hey! My kid is UNDER the water!



Um, mom, if you keep calling my name to take my picture I'm going to get tagged and have to be Marco!


Yep, we built this, uh-huh, SUUURRE we did!


WHY WHY WHY was I wearing THIS damn suit and NOT one of the two I had like 8 million compliments on??? Also, could it not have been taken the day after I recovered from the salmonella poisoning and had the flattest stomach ever? So flat in fact, that my bathing suits would fall down!


No, Grant, we can't see you AT ALL! Nope, not a bit!

Taking a break from the sun and sand. I swear these cousins have a blast doing ANYTHING at all together!

I love that all the cousins love each other SO MUCH! But, WHEN did they get so damned old?

The requested, but oh-so-elusive, Kung-Fu Panda cake!

The incident that shall not be named. Aren't we great parents? His bottom lip is ACTUALLY quivering in this picure, and what are we DOING? Are we trying to console him? No, we are taking pictures to document his humiliation and misery.

See, Tebow was happy BEFORE they smeared whipped cream all over his face and laughed at him! Take note, future bride of Grant, there will be no cake smearing!

Edited to add...Grant just walked by as Connor and I were looking at the messy face picture. He became angry and indignantly declared, "Top lookee at dat!! It is NOT funny!"

Who Needs Kitchen Stadium? We've Got Your Dinner Challenge Right Here!

We made them wrestle with their food to eat it.

We made them eat with plastic shovels.

It seems that they were the victors judging from the post-battle evidence.

Quote of the Day

Grant to one of his cousins: "Could you top doing yat? I'm twying to enjoy my vacation away from home."

I Forgot to Deliver on that Happy Post - AND Juicy, LIMITED TIME ONLY additional Info!

I promised something happy on Saturday after my bitchiness on Friday. The only thing that really sticks out in my mind is that Grant invented something bizarre that was very cute. He spread a big blanket on the floor and lined up an assortment of toys down the middle. Then he came and said, "Mommy, you are invited to my Toy Party. would you like to play with me?" Sounds insignificant and weird, but it was adorable. Kids think up the goofiest stuff! It was like a Toy Picnic since you were not supposed to take the toys off the blanket. AND, he put every single toy away when we were done.

Today's happy news - Rich called from Hawaii today. He is back on US soil where his cell can call me AND, even better, I am going to pick him up TO. MOR. ROW! Yay! I swear this 3 week thing seemed longer than his long cruises. for the life of me, I can NOT figure out why!

----OOPS! ---You are too late----Juicy info deleted---don't want snoopy neighbors to accidentally stumble upon such on the blog! You can probably figure most if it out from the comment section.

This is a Friday? Can I get a do-over please?

Have you ever seen the Lemony Snicket's movie, A Series of Unfortunate Events? Well, at the very beginning, there is an adorable cheerful clip of a movie about happy elves which is abruptly stopped as the narrator says, "I'm terribly sorry. This isn't the movie you'll be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a movie about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theater number 2." Tonight that would be a fitting intro for this blog!

*I slept a whopping total of four hours last night. Those four hours were not consecutive, and some parts of them were spent on the bathroom floor hoping that steam from the shower would help Grant to stop coughing and to breathe a little easier.

*Connor was bawling that his ear hurt. hmmm, oh, yeah, remember that fever from a few days ago? Now, I'm catching on...

*I cleaned out the refrigerator

*I had a laser hair removal appt - if you haven't done this, I recommend it, but OMG does it hurt LIKE HELL!

*My mouth is in pain from the dental work I had done yesterday.

*The doc prescribed stuff for the boys. I dropped scrips off at 2:15pm. At 4:50pm the pharmacy realized that they couldn't decipher one of the scrips and faxed the offices (why not JUST CALL???) surprise - already gone home. DUH! No meds for you, MaryB!

*Go to Central Market to get sushi for boys and myoplex bars for me. Forget it was Friday - Burgers and Bock. Look at all adorable, fun people as I wait for a parking place for like 25 minutes. Feel like loser when I see everyone on the patio living it up with the live band whilst I get take out sushi in my workout wear. THEN, most all sushi was gone!

*Leave Central Market with NO Dorothea's potato chip goat cheese! (trust me! Sounds crazy, but is De-lish!)

*Mow lawn. This a real PITA since the Texas State Utilities Commission and Atmos (Assmost as we are currently referring to them here) are taking their sweet time redoing all the gas lines on our street. Almost fall into 15 ft deep hole they have dug in my yard.

*Delicately handle a WAY weird text message from neighbor. (Nervous tummy x 100,000!)

*The only good parts - Watching the 2nd half of August Rush with the boys, and seeing Rich's number on my caller ID for the first time in weeks! One more two-way run of the Orient and then he is on his way home!

This was NOT how I envisioned the beginning of our summer vacation!

I will find something happy and uplifting to say tomorrow. Hope you all had fun for me this Friday night!

Are we having fun yet?

Want to know the best way to spend your anniversary and the first day of summer vacation?

Well, it's NOT away from your husband, 11 hours with no electricity in the Texas heat, trying to dose out some meds for your child who has a 104 degree fever by candlelight. Oh, and the day started with a phone call from school to bring one of the boys a uniform because, apparently, free dress passes cannot be used on days with awards assembly.

Yeah, that pretty much sucked.

It can only get better from here, right? Thank goodness I've got Destin and Santa Fe looming in my future.

HELP!!!!

Are you a teacher? Did you used to be a teacher? Are you friends with a teacher? I need HELP with teacher gifts! I DESPISE getting teacher gifts. Not because they don't deserve them, but because I, usually a great gift-giver, am stumped by teacher gifts. How many chocolates, coffee mugs, and Bath and Body works products can one human consume???? I am assuming that every teacher in America has a closet in her home dedicated to her re-gifting supply. I also hate the idea of gift certificates. They seem so impersonal, like, "oh, I wanted to get you something, but didn't want to put any thought into it. I mean you're not THAT important."

At our old school back in Florida this was taken care of so nicely. The PTO sent out letters to every family telling them to forego the gifts and to send in any amount of money. The PTO then distributed it proportionally among teachers, aids, and all the staff. You could send in as much or as little as you wanted and no one knew how much you sent. Then your name was signed to a very nice card that was attached to all the teacher's and staff's "bonuses," which were fairly substantial. Much, much better system if you ask me! WHY OH WHY do we not do that here???

In the end, I'm asking for your help! I need fresh ideas. I've used up all of my good ones. I considered starting a Pandora for them. I think this would be especially nice for Jamie's teacher who is a cancer survivor. I could get her the pink ribbon charm since proceeds from those charms go to the Komen foundation...and the kid charms that go to the end childhood hunger program....I DON'T KNOW! HELP A GIRL OUT HERE!

History According to Connor

Last night, the boys were eating dinner at the kitchen bar. I was cleaning out my purse which had become ridiculously full of receipts and miscellaneous pieces of paper. (Does this happen to you?) Anyway, there is this letter that I keep with me all the time. It is a letter that Rich wrote to me while on his first long cruise in the Navy. I will spare you the sappy contents. It was mixed in with all the junk I was sorting through. Jamie noticed it and picked it up and started to read it. I said something along the lines of, "Hey! That's not yours!" and he put it down. Then I said, "On second thought, go ahead and read it if you like. I hope you can say something like that to a girl one day and mean it." He elected to not read it.

Connor pipes in at this point...

"Don't bother reading it. I know how all the letters go. First dad writes,'Dear Marybeth, I love you. Will you marry me?' Then she writes, 'Dear Rich, No.' 'Dear MaryBeth, Please, please, please, please, please?' 'Dear Rich, Maybe.' 'Dear MaryBeth, pleeeeeaaaase???' 'Dear Rich, I guess so.' "

I love that kid. You can't buy that kind of loyalty and admiration. I think I'll buy him a present tomorrow. I wonder what he would like, you know, just in case that kind of loyalty CAN be bought. Just kidding, of course.

Your Resistance is Futile

Grant is usually the most personable child I have ever known. Really, I'd say that even if I wasn't his mother. This past Thursday, however, was a different story. Aliens came and took his brain leaving a total jerk of a 4-yr old in his place.

I took Grant and his future bride, Olivia, to McDonald's after picking them up from pre-school to get ice cream and play until time to pick up the big kids at school. It was a nice day and all was well until time to leave the play place. Grant had eaten pretty much all of his ice cream. When I told them it was time to go, Grant ran over to eat any still-frozen bites of ice cream left in his cup. Then, I sent him to put on his socks and shoes. As he went to do so he noticed that I was heading to the trash can with his ice cream cup. He freaked the heck out! I let him take one drink of the melted ice cream and then firmly told him it was time to go, and that there was NO WAY he was taking that melted ice cream in the car. So, I threw it away. The ensuing drama was RI-DIC-U-LOUS! He was still whining and being generally pissy when we got home with the big kids. I reminded him of the rule in our house. The rule is: you may cry or whine all you like, but you must do it in your room so that we do not have to hear it. you may rejoin the family in the public spaces when you can be pleasant. This particular day he chose to take advantage of the whine and moan all you want portion of the deal. After the first hour, I saw him open his door and peak his head out.


I said, "You'd better not step one foot out of that room until you can be nice!"


He retreated back into his room. By the time I was back in the kitchen I realized he had resumed the seemingly incessant mantra of, " I waaaaa mmmyyy iiice creeeaaam baaaack!!"


So, I looked back down the hallway and saw him lying on the floor with his waist in the door frame, his top half in the hallway, and his bottom half in his room. (You see where this is going, yes?)


I said, "I told you that you had better stay in that room until you can be nice!"


He replied, "My feet are still in my room!" (Refer to my earlier instruction) Little smart ass!


However, he had followed the letter of the law if not the spirit, and so I chose not to fight a battle I didn't have the energy to win. (One of my cardinal rules of parenting!) I returned to helping Connor with his homework in the kitchen. A while later I realized it was quiet. I peered down the hallway to find this.


Would you believe he resumed his antics even when he woke up? And well into the evening after Rich's return home? What the heck got into him? Anyway, once he got himself under control, we reminded him that he would most assuredly NOT be getting ice cream any time in the near future. His tolerance for this part of the punishment was put to the test earlier than expected. Saturday night found me with a van equipped with a spare tire after a flat. All tires stores closed. Husband out of town per usual for all problems. It had been a very, very long day. So, I did what any pathetic, tired mom would do. Took them all to McD's for dinner. I must have looked especially haggard because one of the employees brought all the kids ice cream cones.


Grant told her, " I can't have one. I was ugly to my mom last time. I'm in trouble."


He patiently waited, without one single tiny complaint, while his brothers ate their cones. I was SO VERY PROUD of him. We went home and he never mentioned it. Then, while tucking him into bed, he asked me, "Mommy, I'm sorry I was bad when I wanted my ice cream back. I wasn't ugly today and I didn't cry when Jamie and Connor got ice cream. Can I have one next time?"


Yes, Grant, I think you can.

Wanted: Geography Tutor

Last night, I was helping Con (4th grade) work on his oh-so-very-long take home Spanish test. Because you know it would be too convenient if that test came home while the father WITH A DEGREE IN SPANISH was home! I got stuck, so I called Rich in his hotel room. At some point he is incredulous that the Spanish teacher has not taught something or another in a certain way and Connor says (in his best DUH! tone), "well, what do you expect when your Spanish teacher is from Australia?"

And I say, "Connor, Ms. Herxxxx(very Latin name) is NOT from Australia!"

Connor replies, "Oh yes she is! She told us so!"

I look at him quizzically for a moment and tell Rich I do not know what Connor is talking about.

Then I hear Jamie's(6th grade) voice calling from the kitchen. I cannot tell what he is saying. So he comes into the living room doorway. He looks totally annoyed. He rolls his eyes. He proceeds to say completely deadpan, "Mom, it may be useful for you to know that Australia rhymes with Venezuela." And walks away shaking his head.