Still. Not one tear. Yet right at the brink all of the time.

ANNOYING!

On the bright side. Have a brick selected for new house.

The new house that won't ever get finished because they still haven't started!

It's Kinda Like When You Drink Too Much And Know You'd Feel Better If You Just Gagged Yourself and Got It Overwith

Not that I'd know anything about that...

Moving on...

So, have you seen The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslett? If you haven't, its pretty good as chic fliks go...good enough that Ive seen it three times and have not wanted to gouge my eyes out yet. Anywho, Cameron's character, Amanda, can NOT cry. She wants to. She tries. There is a funny sequence of her trying all sorts of ways to bring on the tears to no avail. THIS IS ME, PEOPLE! WHAT is WRONG with me? I feel like I am on the teetering brink of a nuclear, crying meltdown about 96% of the time and yet, NOTHING. Nada. Zilch. I set aside a whole entire day alone last week to indulge myself. Read a sad book, have wine with lunch in the middle of the day by myself. Watch a sad movie. Wear my jammies and have myself a good, long, pitiful crying gag. NOTHING I tell you.

What does this say about me? How do I fix it? Should I fix it? AAARGH!

What Do You Do When You Haven't Blogged in Weeks? You Ask For Opinions!

Most of you are well aware that I haven't been posting because I am completely overwhelmed by my life right now. Crazytown gets crazier and crazier. We are still house hunting and mulling over moving. I think we are pretty sure that we are going to forge ahead. I think we are pretty surprised to discover WHERE we most enjoyed being while house shopping (Oh my! will there ever be a lot of crow to be be eaten by yours truly! Roasted, fried, grilled, broiled, all of it. SO. MUCH. CROW.)

So, we, at the moment, have two houses in mind. One is the clear front runner, but there will have to be much negotiating of the price and terms. The dilemna you get to guide me about comes into play with house the second choice....

Remember these peeps?









Obviously, we are good friends, yes? They are fabulous. Their kids? Adorable and fabulous.

Well, they just bought a new house. Guess where it is? One over from our house choice #2. Is that weird? On the one hand it sounds like a blast! John Daly's in the driveway and by the pool and fire pit when-the-heck-ever. Kids can play when ever. Pilot/reservist hubs gone? Built in company for the gals/moms! Sounds awesome! They think it would be awesome too. (or so they tell us!)

So, why does it feel so weird to me? Like we are crazy, stalker friends? Maybe they wont like us so much when they live one house over...that would make me sad.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? I NEED TO KNOW!

Also, I'm hoping all the worry will be for naught and that seller's of house choice the first** will be desperate to sell and meet our offer (if we ever get the nerve to actually MAKE the offer!)

**It should be noted for the discussion's sake that the first choice house is also technically in "the neighborhood." When I say "neighborhood" I mean a HUGEASS community that is now technically its own city and,in fact, has its own zip code. The first choice house is in a separate section/neighborhood of the masterplanned community. Probably in the section the furthest away from them actually. It should also be noted that often when we discuss pros/cons of each of the houses we always know which one is the first choice, but always end the conversation with, "BUT it's not one door down from G&K."

A Quick Bullet Point Tour of Crazytown

* Leaving my beloved new kitchen to move to the burbs. Is that sudden or what ?@$&#!?
* Subsequent freaking out about staging of this house and OBSESSING about neighborhoods, schools, houses and prices in the new place...
* Science Fair
* Cleaning out closets, garage, and EVERYTHING and staging it all and painting and finishing all remodeling projects to get ready to put house on market
* Rich left for his detachment
* But not before some idiot stole his bag with credit cards, passports, his freakin' FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT BADGE! etc, etc, etc You cannot imagine the disaster that was his last night home
* Thankfully, said idiots appeared to have ditched the bag on side of the road, minus credit cards and RayBans, when they discovered aforementioned badge.
* Speeding ticket issued to me on way home from dropping Rich at airport for 3 week det when I TOTALLY WAS NOT SPEEDING - WTF WTF WTF?
* The fact that I , very nicely, respectfully, and politely, pointed this fact out to Officer NumNuts pissed him off so that he also gave me a citation for be "uninsured" because my proof of insurance card expired last week...He totally refused to look me up in the system or to let me call USAA and let them tell him.
* Rich texted from plane/airport asking me to bid for him and I totally do not know how to do that. THANK the good Lord for friends who I can call and then just start to cry and then their wonderful, wonderful husbands take care of it for me. Dear G and K - i love you!

A Public Service Announcement

Let me give you some advice. The economy is kicking all of our arses right now. We all need to cut corners, trim the fat, reign in the spending, etc, etc, (Pick your own colloquialism)

Here are two ideas I will save you from trying:

1. Do not wax your own legs. It is a total PIA and the wax does not peel off in big, nice strips. It flakes off in little pieces. I have a darn high threshold for pain when it comes to waxing. So, don't go assuming it was because I lacked the fortitude to really do it right. No, home waxing just has a steep learning curve and is NOT NOT NOT worth the effort. By the time you spend money for wax and other supplies and then see how long it takes to do it right, you realize that a leg wax at European Skin Care isn't so expensive after all.

2. Aquafresh White Trays work like a dream. All the strip style home whiteners have been dismal failures for me. They do not git in my mouth, they slide around and generally annoy the crap out of me. The Aquafresh trays stay put. they mold to fit. They are perfect. HOWEVER, my teeth and gums have been suffering weird, painful twinges all day long. Strangest, most unpleasant sensation. Maybe I should just try giving up the coffee and thus reduce my need for whitening. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... AS IF!!!! Oh Holy Sheet!!! As I am sitting here, RIGHT THE HECK NOW typing this, a commercial just popped up on the telly for "NEW Aquafresh Gentle Care Whitening Trays" that comes with a special toothpaste to prepare your teeth and gums in case the whitening agent bothers you.....Something that would have been nice to know about YES-TER-DAY!!!!!

Let Me Count the Reasons...

...That I will be going to Hell.

1. I am a bitch. After writing this, I got a lovely, sweet, long email from him. He even remebered to call me "Larry." Now who's the ass-hat?
2. I am selfish. Friday is Rich's birthday and I'm seriously considering leaving for the weekend because I know he'll actually be in town to manage the kids and I need to to GET AWAY FROM HERE! I almost do not even care if I find a girlfriend to come with, Ill go by my damn self. SERENITY NOW!!!
3. I am vengeful. As revenge for Rich being an utterly unreasonable asshole, I am exacting my revenge by wielding my credit card all over the internet. He may be an ass, but my ass is going to look damn cute in those jeans.
4. My frined had a baby, and when I met the baby my first reaction was to recoil in shock. It was a scary, ugly baby. WHO reacts that way to a baby? People going to hell, that's who.

Friends

So, here is a good example of why I do not let my fb life and my blog life intersect. Get a load of this friend request...

"MaryBeth, I know you'll NEVER add me to to your friend list in real life, but maybe you will here on facebook world. I have a 100% friend acceptance rate and am curious to see if you will be the one to break that chain of success."

Now in all fairness, this is an ass-hat I chased down to the church parking lot to yell at him. And called him an arrogant, self-absorbed ass-hat on numerous occasions. Because he is. so, he is justified in his assertion that I would NEVER give him the time of day in real life. However, isn't it just further evidence of his self-absorbed and narcissistic manner to challenge me to break his "100% acceptance rate?" Good Grief! Go love yourself in the mirror a little more. Good to see that 8 years hasn't changed you a bit you arrogant, self-absorbed, ass-hat.

I sent this reply:
"I'll add you. You get points for giving me a good laugh. Seriously, hope all is well with you and yours. I think I heard that you finally quit sowing the oats and got married?!@$@!? Ill start a series of novenas for that poor, poor, long-suffering woman immediately. The fact that she has neither divorced you nor killed you in your sleep speaks to her sainthood. Still playing navy?"

The upside here is that you can all plainly see that I don't really talk about people behind their backs. I generally only say things I am willing to say directly to you. The problem is, I'm generally willing to say just about anything directly to you.

Just a Phase, Right?

So, I have a confession. I am SICK TO FREAKING DEATH of being old and responsible. I'm sick of being practical and dependable. I have been all of these things since the dawn of time. Something snapped about a week or so ago. I want to go out. I want to be carefree and fun. I NEED a party. Lots of parties. Crazy, rumpus ones.

MORE of THIS:
LESS of THIS:



I'm assuming, because I think I'm a pretty darn good mom, that I will get over this. Its just a phase. It will pass. But, in the meantime...My champagne glass needs a refill, please.

Headless MaryB: Audience Participation Required **Now Updated to Answer Viewer Questions**

Fronts and backs of dresses. Links to each so that you can see more detail of the actual dresses at bottom of post. Feel Free tot ell me that I ZERO fashion sense and to start all over. BIGGEST LESSONS OF THESE PHOTOS: 1)The camera DOES add at least a few pounds if not 10! 2) I am NOT 25 anymore! AND 3) I am NOT comfortable AT ALL posting photos of my full-length self on the blog.

You are required to dress me. Pick a dress or, like I said before, tell me to start over! Suggest shoes, accessories, bags. Do not have to be specific ones (although that is appreciated!) - just ideas of colors, shapes, designs to look for.




























Damn the new cute background...I took the time to line them all up so that fronts and backs were side-by-side. Now they do not fit in that configuration!

Oh, and here are the links:

Dress A
Dress B
Dress C

Your Questions Answered:

1. What does Rich like? Rich does not currently have a favorite - Well, he did but I disliked it so much I wouldn't bring it home. Here it is.
2. Am I wearing hose? In the pictures, yes. i have the knee phobia. HATE my knees, and they look even worse as I think one of my kneecaps isn't exactly completely connected anymore. Cheerleading is BAD to knees. As for will I wear them? Well, now, THAT is part of YOUR job. Girl at store says coloreds are back in???? Seriously? And she had these teeny-tiny fishnet patterned stockings? Feels a little hooker-esque to me????? But I hate my knees and I like peep-toes! WHAT is a girl to do? (I often use spray-on)
3. Do you feel better in Dress A? Well, no. I think I feel about the same in all of them. I do have knee "issues" and I feel that dress A makes my arse look wide (but not as wide as in the photo) and I feel that dress B makes me look "hippy" but that is the way the dress is gathered. Dress C I have worn before and love. It has more of an empire waist effect in person (maybe the camera angle at fault?) And, my dear, dear husband in his efforts to not die informs me that I look thinner in them in person. He says that since I made him exclude my head from the photos that the angle is all goofy and makes me look wider. He is usually BRU-TAL-LY honest - the kind of honest many husbands do not get away with - so I take him at his word. (I've got some good examples of his honesty if you ever need some entertainment.)
4. Not a question, but added info - Their site on "The Knot" (Oh thank the goodlawhd this didn't exist when I got hitched!) declares the dress code to be "Dinner Dressy Coat and Tie." WTH does that mean? I just assumed evening wedding at the cathedral and FW Club inferred suit and tie?? And to me, suit and tie means cocktail dresses or such for the ladies. Coat and tie? NotSoMuch.
5. Why so stuck on the WHBM? Well, because my darling husband just plunked down a very tidy sum of money to cater to my furniture pickiness and has remodeled my kitchen and family rooms. And need I mention the state of the economy? And I do love "the market" - so many cute dresses all in one place! The clincher - I have substantial gift card to spend there. (also- their vanity sizing is RIDICULOUS and I have to admit to getting a high from purchasing clothes in the size that fits there. Yes, illogical and stupid. Can't be helped.)

It's 10:30 Somewhere!

The bad news: I had to choose between blogging and cleaning up my horrid mess of a kitchen (why I usually do not make big roast beef dinners on the weeknights!). The kitchen won out. It was a disaster.

The good news: The delay means I got a few more votes. What is it with you people and wanting the easy recipes???? Just kidding!! I know, life is crazy-ass busy.

The verdicts: 1) Easy, but Mandy has a neighborhood party and she is thinking she would like to bring a dessert type offering. 2)Also, I am going to have to make Rich take pictures of yours truly in the dresses. There will be no head in the pictures, I am telling you right now. Neck down only. If I go through with this plan you will be required to not only vote on a dress, but also to suggest accessories and shoes, and any other pertinent info. For example, the young, cute thing at WHBM informed me that people are wearing gray and black stockings again? Is she confused? If true, however, might influence my dress choice as the one I like the most is a bit short, and I have ugly knees. Gray stockings would take care of this problem I think. Are fishnets acceptable? They are darn cute in the catalog!

Well, it is one of my three favorite months of the year, OCTOBER! That means fall, leaves, and my favorite, PUMPKIN!!! Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin tempura...any and all things pumpkin. Therefore, I think a party or gathering of any pot-luck sort in October should be graced with pumpkin. I have about a million ideas. My favorite is pumpkin fudge, but it requires a candy thermometer, which, I'm guessing precludes it from being in the "easy" category? The easiest, and also very tasty, is pumpkin dip. You probably already have a recipe for this, but on the off-chance that you do not, here it is:

Pumpkin Dip with Ginger Snaps

2 8 oz packages cream cheese

4 cups confectioners sugar (better if you sift)

30 oz can pumpkin pie mix

2 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp ground ginger

(sometimes I add a touch of vanilla)

Combine cream cheese and sugar with electric mixer until smooth and creamy. Add in the rest of the ingredients and blend until well combined.

Serve in a pie-sized, hollowed-out pumpkin. Serve with ginger snaps. I have also served with apple slices, pretzels, and have also made stuffed french toast with these leftovers as the filling.

Free Therapy By Phone

So, I called our friend, Mrs. Therapist, today. I had missed a call from her earlier in our never-ending game of phone tag. Of course, she does not answer the phone while in a session, so another therapist in the practice answered my call. Here are some bits of the conversation resulting from the complicated appointment scheduling...

First of all, I apologized that it was taking so long for my computer to pull up Rich's October schedule. He asked if Rich was on a month by month schedule. When I answered "yes," he then replied, "Oh, is he a pilot?" I said, "Yes." He then asked me, "Is there something in the air or going on the industry? You are the sixth or seventh pilot couple to call today." I told him that "We're all just trying to avoid being victims of AIDS." **Dead Silence on the other end** I quickly clarified, "You know? Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome." **Burst of snorting laughter on the other end** He said, "Wait , let me get a pencil. I've got to write that one down. I might need that in a session sometime soon."

A moment later he offered me an appt to which I had to reply that Rich was flying that day. He asked, " I thought you said he was flying only on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays?" I explained that, "Well, yes. BUT, Rich was flying for the navy that day." Sounding incredulous he asked, "You mean he has two flying jobs? And did I just hear you talking to more than one child? How old are they?" I answered his questions and he continued, "Would you just like to book appointments on the 20 year plan? Maybe weekly into perpetuity?"

After a few more attempts at dates and times that would work, we found one that would work. It was, however, further away than I would like. He asked if I would like to be on the cancellation list. I said that I would, but that I would like to make sure I had my cell # on file since I missed out on one of those type of appts last week due to the fact that they called my home phone. (hello run-on sentence. I see you and I don't care.) Somehow in that course of conversation I answered something about the PTO. His reply was that, "How about weekly into perpetuity AND I recommend you to an inpatient treatment so that you can have a prescription for a vacation? And, obviously you are a masochist."

These were some much needed giggles for me today. Free therapy by phone. I love this office. I have a feeling it is going to get harder and harder to get an appointment with them given the current state of the economy. That'll suck.

Weekend Re-cap and a Weighty Question

**First of all - Sorry for publishing unfinished post! I'd still swear that I hit save, not publish!**

Weekend was pretty darn good. Parent-Teacher conferences on Friday went smoothly. My children are brilliant and well behaved, but one of them is terribly unorganized. No shock there. Tell me something I don't know! Later in the evening, Rich and I did some furniture shopping and then stopped for a drink or two. I should have not had the "two." Bad, Bad, Bad idea. I don't know if the bartender slipped something in my drink or what, but lets just say Friday night will go down in the history books as one of my very worst nights ever. At some point I decided the cooler night air felt better so I went to sit outside for a bit only to have Rich come to find me an hour later saying, " I really think sleeping on the front porch is not a classy option." Thus, I have concluded my yearly refresher session of "Why MaryB never has more than one drink." I am a lightweight. I take Children's Claritin, Tylenol, and Motrin for Pete's sake! The silver lining to this Friday night cloud is that my net calorie consumption was definitely a big, fat zero.

Jamie had a tennis tournament on Saturday, but did not have to play his first match until 11am! Meaning, of course, that we got to sleep in! I LOVE waking up without some obnoxious beeping or buzzing jarring me awake. I am also getting spoiled by the fact that Rich is finally senior enough to hold lines with weekends at home. **knocking on wood** So, waking up with a husband to no alarm clock = bliss! The weather was lovely so long as you were in the shade and there was plenty of shade because the match was at TCU where trees line all of the courts. I packed up a cooler of drinks and snacks, my folding chairs, and a big blanket. It was really nice. Jamie was nervous as this was his first time to play in the boys 14 bracket, but was so happy to be doing it on his home turf and his coaches in charge of the tournament. He made it to the semis despite the fact that some of the boys looked like grown men. Meanwhile, Connor had his second session of First Tee. Guys, if you have children, I can not stress enough how wonderful this first Tee program is!!! Look into it, really! I think of it as junior cotillion taught through the medium of golf. Especially if you have a shy child or a child who lacks self-confidence, or if you just want a child with a winning attitude - this program is great!!! AND it is cheap!!!! Unfortunately, I have no pictures to share because I turned on the camera to take some pictures only to discover that my memory card was full.

Sunday was a day of exercising, furniture shopping, and general housekeeping. The weekly event of the Sunday night uniform laundry was made much more exciting by the start of new seasons for Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters. Oh, my love, lust, and obsession with Rob Lowe knows no bounds. I'll be his nanny any day! I love him any way I can get him, but his character on this show makes my knees even weaker than usual. His voice unnerves me.

As I climbed into bed, I grabbed two more letters from "the box." I am more than half-way through reading all of the letters ( I told you there were A LOT!). I usually grab two letters from the box as I climb into bed. I grab randomly and out of order so I never know what I'm going to get. I suppose that I should have ordered them by date and then read them like a story. Oh well.

Here is what I find strange. He was so effusive in his declarations of love and devotion back then. What happened to that? Yes, yes, I know that kind of drunk-love loses out to everyday life and normalcy at some point. But really? The person who wrote those letters and the man I live with are NOT the same person. So, being the idiot that I am, I asked him about it. His reply? That he loves me more now than then. Huh? Really?

So, I have been mulling this over and here are my thoughts that are actually questions for you all... After 13 years does the phrase, "i love you" lose some of is lustre? Have you heard it so much that you cant really accept it for the true depth of its meaning anymore? Does he think the same thing about me, that I do not have the same passion and love for "us" and him as I did back then? Because, really NOTHING could be FURTHER from the truth. I always just assumed that he was VERY clear on the fact that he makes me crazy, drunk-in-love with him. I think that I go out of my way to make it clear. The only difference between back then and now is that there have been times in the past 13 years that I could have killed him with my bare hands. (e.g. here!) In the end, it all makes me love him and us more. How do you all find new ways of letting your man know you love him? And he for you? AND, remember my MOM reads this blog so if you know her and don't want to blush next time you see her, you might want to edit or email me your comments... If you don't know her in real life, then what do you care? Comment away! And, really, I don't think much shocks her anyway. Seriously, she has ME for a daughter.

Superficial and Random

I WANT long hair!!!!!! I do NOT WANT to pay like, $2K for extensions. So, who has ideas? Any of you take any special vitamins while trying to grow your hair out? Special shampoos and/or treatments? How did you survive the supremely annoying and miserable growing out process?

This will probably be the biggest failure of a project in the history of hair projects. My thin, fine half-curly, half-straight hair probably has no business being long.

It is now appropriate to wear black to weddings, no? I need to know. I have a wedding to attend very soon and am planning on wearing my favorite dress again. (and if I don't wear that one, then I want this one or this one!) There is that small southern voice in me, though, saying "you can't wear black to a wedding, MaryB." Opinions, please. Black - okay or not okay. Dresses - which one? Wear the old one and get some really hot shoes or get a new one?

If I do wear that dress...do I wear black shoes? Is that too boring? What if I take a BRIGHT fuchsia satin clutch? (it is so very cute) Then what? I need accessory help.

Living In the Past

I'd love to blog, y'all, but you see I found a big, forgotten box while reorganizing the garage. It is full of all the letters (and you can't imagine how MANY we wrote back then!) Rich wrote to me way back when. And letters from el-e-e. And PHOTOS. OMG! The photos! You would not believe them. I'm glad I found it because I thought all of this stuff was lost. This would not be a ridiculous assumption for someone who has moved 9 times in 13 years.

If you need me, I'll be on my bed with tissues weepily reading letters from the past. Somebody bring me some chocolate, please.

AAWWWW, You Guys...You're the Best!

You guys....you are the best, really you are. It brought a literal mist to my eyes to get all the phone calls, email, and comments inquiring as to my whereabouts and well-being!

Unfortunately, I am still not really in the state-of-mind to blog. Just in a plain ol', old-fashioned funk. I have tried to work through said funk by writing about it, but it is so vague that there is nothing TO write. I just can't put my finger on what is causing it! Basically, it is everything and also nothing. Have you ever felt like that? I'm sure you have.

Also, I am short on time lately. Holy Hell! the PTO owns me. Maybe it is because the somewhat OCD part of me takes over and "good enough" is NEVER enough for me. And there is just ALWAYS another event to plan or group to organize or spreadsheet to create. Currently, I am entrenched in planning a Johnny Appleseed back-to-school family dance. The details, while interesting and adorable to me, would bore you to tears.

Lastly, the traveling husband has been home more than is typical lately. It has been nice, but he requires my time when he is here - hence, less time for blogging. (And Ill tell you a secret...I must be accustomed to his being gone so often, because he was starting to drive me Ca-razy and I was not too very sad to see him depart for a few days this morning!)

I'm still keeping up with all of you and your more-interesting-than-mine lives though! so, even if I'm not actually writing here, Ill at least try to be better about commenting. It just seems to require SO much energy...ugh, see what I mean? I am in such a funk that I think it takes too much energy to comment! WTH?

Oh, and, tonight is the first night that I've had to wait up for my suddenly-a-teenager to come home. He went to the high school football game with his friends and his friends' older siblings. I guess this is where IT starts!!!!!! EECK! Wasn't it just five minutes ago that I was tying green and gold ribbons onto my ponytail before a high school football game on a Friday night?

Lesser Moments in Parenting; You Can't Kill a Chicken That's Already Dead!

I have a temper. A big, bad one. I have learned over the years how to contact my inner "zen" when i feel myself losing it. However, there is one topic that causes me to blow my top every. single. time. My husband has an annoying way of belittling my housekeeping skills. I am not the best at it. But, I like it to be clean and orderly and I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up about it all the time. I am a VERY busy person. I have three kids and a husband who is perpetually traveling. You might be able to imagine how much it makes me crazy when he saunters home from a trip in a hotel room to let me know how I could be doing things better around here. Ya know? AS IF he has a fllippin clue as to how to run things around here or how crazy it is on a day to day basis. Even on the few times I have left him in charge I come home to homework not done, bedtimes ignored, and sometimes a mess in the kitchen. Weekends he's in charge - I leave meals to eat, school project supplies purchased and organized with a plan for the project...let's just say he doesn't get the REAL picture of what it is like to be me! And, he has this completely DELUDED notion that he is the only one in the house who picks up after himself and he is rather sanctimonious about it. This makes my head spin in rapid circles while levitating above my neck because he has NO IDEA how many things of his I pick up and put away on a daily basis. I could explain this topic forever, but that is not the point today (although it is always the point of every irritating thought in my head!). Long point made short - his commenting on housework makes me mad as hell.

One night a few years ago, I was already in a bad mood due to children being irritating and especially needy. The house was a mess. I had had a hell of a day. We had just moved here and I was homesick and had no friends. I was making dinner. It was probably something yummy, but I don't remember what it was. I was managing dinner, homework, and at that point Grant was still a new walker and was toddling around behind me whining and clutching my legs while I tried to bustle around the kitchen. There was a package of chicken breasts on the counter. One of the packages in the styrofoam trays. Rich enters the house and proceeds to criticize my parenting, my homework tutelage, etc, etc....I'm obviously pissed, yet he just keeps right on. I think I even warned him to cut it out! Then, he did it...He stared asking me in some condescending, sing-song way about every thing on the counter. Fight started. Game on.

I was so irate that I think I honestly blacked out. I remember feeling dizzy and woozy my head was spinning so fast. My ears were literally hot. I was getting ready to slice the chicken breasts with a big knife. Finally, I was ready to hurt someone or throw something. Somehow this rage turned into me screaming at him to "JUST!! SHUT!! UP!!!! I! HATE!! YOU!!" while I stabbed the chicken over and over with the big knife. Next thing I know, I see Jamie and Connor (ages 9 and 6) cowering in the corner, whimpering, "she's killing the chicken...." I had scared the crap out of them. I feel very badly about it to this day. It was DEFINITELY a lesser moment in parenting. It got worse. Later, when trying to apologize to everyone for my inexcusable behavior I tried to justify part of my behavior by rationalizing that you can't kill something that is already dead. (told Rich privately that he should be damn happy there was chicken on the counter or he might have been at the end of my knife instead of the chicken) However, it is pretty funny around here when people use the chicken as a warning. Just the other day, Rich and I were bantering about politics (when aren't we?) and Jamie says, "Dad, I think you'd better cool it or she's gonna kill another chicken." And, whenever Rich helps cook (and by help, I mean take things out of the refrigerator when I ask, because seriously, I'm not sure he can boil water) if there is chicken anywhere to be seen, he will point to he chicken and say, "you boys better behave or the chicken's gonna get it!"

Are you all afraid of me now?

Trader Tuesdays - on Wednesday

From Twitter today:
LEEXXXX @yankeemb ummm.... all talk and no recipe action? consider your wrist slapped. ;) Hope nothing bad happened... you ok? about 15 hours ago from web in reply to yankeemb

Nothing Bad happend, just, well, PTO happened.

So sorry about the Trader Tuesday fellow recipe lovers! My excuse is that it was the first PTO meeting of the year (my first meeting as president)...enough said? It was ca-ray-zeee around here! I thought Id post when I made it home after meeting and getting kids to bed...hahaha...I am so naive.

AAANNNDDD, there is the little matter that I am embarrassed to publish my recipe for the week in light of the fact that 3 of the Tuesday Traders are real Louisianans, not just people from the near-to-Louisiana gulf coast like myself. However, I am too damn tired to think of a new one, so here is my Cheater's version of Red Beans and Rice. It is SUPER QUICK and EASY, yet is still my husband's favorite dinner. I make sure to get this on the stove simmering before he comes home if he is mad at or annoyed with me. The smell hits him in the garage before he even walks into the house. He walks in the door with a smile. (If Ive REALLY pissed him off, I pour a really cold Abita into a frosty mug when I hear the garage door go up signaling his arrival) The kids all love it too - the beans, not the beer.

Cheater's Red Beans and Rice

• 1 -2 cloves garlic (to your taste)
• 1 lb smoked sausage (or whatever kind you like - andouille, hot, whatever, but plain 'ol smoked sausage will do )
• 1 medium onion (or 1/2 large) ( I don't like it too onion-y)
• 3 cans light red kidney beans
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 1 1/2 tsp Creole Seasoning ( I use Tony's)
• 1 small bay leaf
• a few dashes Louisiana style hot sauce (Tabasco, Louisiana, Crystal (my favorite), or another)
• A bit of olive oil
  

Finely chop onion. Slice sausage. (I like to cut my round slices into halves or fourths - I like smaller pieces of sausage, but you can leave them bigger if you like).

Heat enough oil in dutch oven to sweat the onion. After the onions have been in for a minute or two, add in the sausage and brown the onion and sausage together. When close to browned, add in your garlic. Finish browning. Then, add in your chicken broth to your hot pan, being sure to scrape up any of that yummy brown goodness sticking to the bottom of the pan. Then add in your 3, undrained, cans of beans. Stir in your seasoning, hot sauce, and bay leaf. Bring close to, but not quite to a boil. Then simmer for about 30 minutes covered. Then simmer for about 30-45 minutes uncovered. This sounds like a long time, but it is basically hands off for all of that simmering time except for the very occasional stir of the pot.

When you are ready, cook up some long grain rice. Serve beans over rice. I usually serve this up with some crusty French bread and a spinach salad. Leftovers are great and my boys love to take them for lunch at school. (consider this link to be additional kitchen help to make up for my tardiness in Tuesday trading!)

Okay, I'm off to do more PTO work and iron shirts for the fugliest formal uniform in the history of uniforms. (hate thursdays!) Once I get a little more caught up (when the hell is that going to be?*%$#!?#!) I plan to start a new series of posts. I was looking through my recent posts and archives and noticed that I sound a little too "perfect mommy - muffiaish" OOOH NO! Not so! So, I'm going to post some installments of "Greater Moments in Parenting" and some installments of "Lesser Moments in Parenting." You all have to promise to not call CPS though, okay?

Bye-Bye Birdie -OR- Why Don't I Know and Live Close to MoMommy? -OR- My Damn Bleeding Heart Husband -OR- I Don't Even like Dogs!

What a weekend! Saturday morning found mom and dad sleeping in. It was heavenly. Not long after getting out of bed, Grant came running in the front door to inform us that, " Daddy, Daddy! There are baby birds on the sidewalk Really, really, BABY birds." And we were all, "grumble, mmhmm,, grumble, coffee, creamer, uh-huh." Then, Jamie came in to back up Grant informing us that Grant was not exaggerating, there were, in fact, two brand-new birds on the sidewalk and that only one was alive. The kids were not giving this up so Rich went out to investigate. Grant followed closely behind him. Next thing I know, Rich was back inside calling down the hallway that, "we have a problem." The problem became apparent when I came out of my room to find Rich in the hallway with a tiny, tiny, baby bird in his hand. I said something along the lines of, "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" He said, "I know, I know, but Grant was there kneeling next to me and when the bird opened its beak, Grant looked up and said, 'he's huu-ngree, Daddy' " he continued that, "Furthermore, it was OUR cat who ingested the bird's mother and brother." And THAT is how I ended up making a baby bird incubator out of a heating pad, tupperware, and paper towels, and making baby bird Karo water and baby bird food out of soggy cat food. (You all see the irony in THAT one, right?)



As it turns out, you have to feed a baby bird like EVERY TEN MINUTES for at least 12 hours a day! And, also, they poop. A LOT. I was none too happy about all of this and assumed that the bird would give up the fight in a short while. Nope. Bird is still alive. I told Rich that apparently the bird was viable and that I was in NO WAY going to raise a bird for 3-6 weeks until it could fly (we figured out by looking on line that the bird was between 5 and 7 days post hatch.) all the while feeding it every 30 minutes....Not to mention IT IS JUST GROSS and should not be in my house. He checked around and Animal Control said they knew of some private rehabilitators that could care for it. Animal Control came and picked it up just a few minutes ago. What do you think the chances are that they are totally blowing sunshine up our rear ends and that there are no rehabilitators and that they just killed it??? Because now I'm like all sad and shit. Damn baby bird, I didn't even like you. You were UGLY and weird looking, but now I'm sad they might kill you.



Good Luck Baby Bird. You were kind of cute in your own hideously ugly way.

Royalties Could Pay Off My New Floors!

Dear JC Penney,

Are you reading my blog? I'd like my royalty check please. AND, do you REALLY think today's hipsters even get your reference to The Breakfast Club? I mean, its not like every parent runs around quoting the brat pack like I do. However, if you want to keep going in this direction can I suggest a commercial set to OMD's "If You Leave" advertising all pink clothing and accessories?

Misjudged and Underestimated - AGAIN!

Admittedly, and thankfully, I look a bit young for my age, and look too young to have 13 yr old child. Also admittedly, I am younger than the average mom of a 13 yr old 7th grader. However, I do NOT look like a teen bride. I have to cover gray hair for heaven's sake!

I really thought that back when I turned 30 people would start to take me seriously. People would stop saying stupid things like, "what were you, like FIFTEEN when you had your first?" I thought that being able to answer the inevitable, "How old ARE you?" question with an answer that the did not start with twenty, but rather the more respectable thirtysomething would buy me a little respect. Au contrar, Mufrair!!! (No, I do NOT know how to spell that - phonetically is all I got!)

I am now well on my way out of my early thirties and into my mid thirties, and yet...We are "mentoring" a new family at our school. They are older, late-in-life parents. They have been polite, but cool and stand-offish with me while I have been trying to befriend them and to help them with their transition to Texas and to our school. Today, all of a sudden, she called me. She was friendly and gracious. She was complimenting how organized, informative, and efficient the New Parent Orientation was last night. She even remarked that I "looked very professional" and that I was "organized and well informed." While this was very complimentary, her tone revealed her surprise at all she was saying. Once again, she, like many others before her, had assumed I was a bumble-headed young thing incapable of all the things she had seen. It was as if she expected any event that I was in charge of would be a complete disaster and that I wouldn't even know how to dress myself appropriately to speak in front of 75 new parents! And, you know what else? I wonder if she noticed that the lovely Jennifer is a good deal younger than I! Yes, we two young bumble heads who enjoy discussing cute shoes and lipstick shades are capable of all kinds of grown-up activities!

AARGH! This should not frustrate me this much, but it does. At what age will this age bias cease? When will I no longer have to PROVE to people I am not an idiot. Or, is it not the age factor at all? (though I'm sure that it is because people come right out and say it!) Is it because I am not gainfully employed outside of the home?

Surely some of you have experienced similar things, right? People who assume you are not a serious or smart person because you read InStyle or Cosmo during your study breaks? Or you like to wear makeup and cute clothes instead of sweats or pajamas to college classes? Did this happen when you young professionals were just starting your careers?