It has been a retrospective kind of week inside my brain. All sorts of things have happened to make my "what if" gears start turning.
First of all, it has been so interesting talking to Grants speech therapists. Most of them are grad students and a few undergrad seniors who will graduate in May. In speaking with them and their professors I was intrigued by how many different opportunities will be available to these girls when they get their degrees and by how interesting their work is.
Secondly, two lovely ladies who have commented on my blog as of late (thanks guys!) are lawyers. This was my original plan. I am a planner! I had the whole thing mapped out quite nicely. I was going to get my chemistry degree (at least I did that!) and then go to a specialized law school that accepted mostly technical majors like myself to do specified study in intellectual property and patent law. I was going to be an extremely successful professional. AND THEN...
I met Rich. I knew the very moment I met him that I was going to marry him. Sounds corny, I know, but it is true. AND THEN...along came Jamie much much earlier than planned or expected. I ended up finishing my degree and senior thesis project with a husband and a one year old. AND THEN...we found out two weeks before my graduation that wewould be moving to Japan. So, it didn't make a whole lot of sense to look for child care and a job when we knew we were moving to Japan in 10 months, and certainly law school was out of the picture. Given that, we decided it was a good time to have baby #2. And so it was.
By the time we returned to the states I had a kindergartner and a 3-year-old. We also had no clue what the future held for us beyond the 3 year tour in Pensacola. And, without realizing it, I became the quintessential volunteering, PTA, field trip driving, cupcake baking SAHM. You know what? I was/am darn good at it. Then all my friends started having babies (at a normal age) and all their little ones were so cute and smelled so good that I decided I HAD to have another. I do not feel that I have lost myself in the process. I asked my husband about it once when Lance Armstrong's ex came out with her book about it and Rich's reply was, "Nope, you are still the overly-opinionated, bitchy girl you've always been."
Anyway, now I look back and realize that I hated chemistry. Well, I didn't hate chemistry. I hated any job option that would have been open to me without going to grad school (like in oenology) or to law school. I never intended to be an actual chemist. If I would have realized that sooner, I could have put my analytical skills to work in a more interesting and diversified way like the speech pathology and linguistics girls at TCU. If I had done something like that, would I still be working? Would I still have chosen the SAHM tract? It would have been more "portable" and more appealing than titrating QA samples until I stuck a pipette in my eye. Chemistry was interesting and sometimes hard as hell (cuz I likes me a challenge), but in the end I think I half did it just to prove I could do it. I knew about half-way through my junior year that I really liked math and physics better, but I'm such a "finisher" that I found it impractical to change majors...
I know that I can always go back and do whatever I want to whenever I want to. I've spared you all the bajillion posts I wrote while I was discerning going back to med school this past year. In the end, what I discovered through that process is that Rich's schedule is so freakin crazy and the boys' schedules are dictated by school, and that our family will miss out on a lot of (if not all)opportunities for fun leisure and travel time if I try to add in unbreakable commitments of my own to the mix. And, I am not unhappy with where I am. Like I said, I like to think I'm pretty good at it. I just know I could be good at other things too, and that is where the "what ifs" start to creep in.
Edited to add: Thank God that as I have gotten older I care less and less if other people assume that I am a SAHM because I was not capable of anything else. When I was younger that used to make my hair fall out!
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5 comments:
MB!! I have the same conversations with myself. Actually, a lot lately. I think it's totally normal to justify your life and keep it all in perspective. I too wanted to attend law school. I also wanted to attend the CIA-Culinary Institute of America. I went so far as applying but realized that starting a family was much more important to me. I would've been gone ALL the time. I'm also still the opinionated, bitchy woman who is determined to exel in whatever I decide to do. SAHM - I think I'm damn good at it too. School is not out of the question for me. I'm considering a master's degree in library and information services. I'd be a darn sexy librarian wouldn't I? I'd also get to be with my kids and I love to read anything I can get my hands on. I think it's amazing to see where life leads you. I think you'd be amazed to learn what people are thinking about you. Like myself, they are probably hoping to be a great parent just like you.
**You have to excuse any grammatical errors. I'm exhausted!
I am of the opinion that only ONE person in a marriage can have a pain-in-the-ass job when there are kids involved. Or even when there aren't. Otherwise it's just a recipe for disaster.
I think I could have gone many other ways other than the CPA route and still been plenty happy.
Are reading from my brain? Aside from the degree fields, your life sounds so much like mine. Pilots...What are we going to do with them? I love being a SAHM, but I seem to have a lot of what ifs creep in and at the same time, couldn't imagine leaving the girls. SAHMs have such a struggle with acceptance and being seen as equal in this world don't they?
I love staying home but always feel like I should be doing more when I talk to people. But, as you say, highly impractical with traveling husbands. Seems like so many of my friends are working/getting degrees/running marathons and the like. I imagine I'll go back to work when Sam goes to school.
And I've taken aspeech pathology course-part of my Masters program. Unbelieveably hard. You need a very fine ear. And tons of patience.
I still want you to get that oneology degree and make me wine.
I'm a lawyer, but if we ever change our mind's on the kids thing, I will be staying at home. Not because I'm dying to quit working (though some days I am), but because I think it is really only fair to the kids to have it that way if it is financially feasible.
And being a lawyer? BLOWS.
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