Excuse me.....

But what the hell is this?????

A Quick Bullet Point Tour of Crazytown

* Leaving my beloved new kitchen to move to the burbs. Is that sudden or what ?@$&#!?
* Subsequent freaking out about staging of this house and OBSESSING about neighborhoods, schools, houses and prices in the new place...
* Science Fair
* Cleaning out closets, garage, and EVERYTHING and staging it all and painting and finishing all remodeling projects to get ready to put house on market
* Rich left for his detachment
* But not before some idiot stole his bag with credit cards, passports, his freakin' FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT BADGE! etc, etc, etc You cannot imagine the disaster that was his last night home
* Thankfully, said idiots appeared to have ditched the bag on side of the road, minus credit cards and RayBans, when they discovered aforementioned badge.
* Speeding ticket issued to me on way home from dropping Rich at airport for 3 week det when I TOTALLY WAS NOT SPEEDING - WTF WTF WTF?
* The fact that I , very nicely, respectfully, and politely, pointed this fact out to Officer NumNuts pissed him off so that he also gave me a citation for be "uninsured" because my proof of insurance card expired last week...He totally refused to look me up in the system or to let me call USAA and let them tell him.
* Rich texted from plane/airport asking me to bid for him and I totally do not know how to do that. THANK the good Lord for friends who I can call and then just start to cry and then their wonderful, wonderful husbands take care of it for me. Dear G and K - i love you!

Documented for Posterity

11/11/2008 9:08pm

Rich said to MaryB:

" You have all the freedom and flexibility in the world. You have no schedule, no job, and no boss. You aren't tied down to anything."

Absolutely NOTHING MaryB said in reply can be reproduced here. This is a prime-time, non-skinemax, PG rated blog.

A New Plan

I swear. I'm going to stop writing anything here and just start right clicking those copy and paste buttons to entertain you all with the correspondence. Just when you feel all barfy (props to Tessie) that you are mean, and that people have changed...No, they just disguise their
ass-hattedness better with age and experience.

Let Me Count the Reasons...

...That I will be going to Hell.

1. I am a bitch. After writing this, I got a lovely, sweet, long email from him. He even remebered to call me "Larry." Now who's the ass-hat?
2. I am selfish. Friday is Rich's birthday and I'm seriously considering leaving for the weekend because I know he'll actually be in town to manage the kids and I need to to GET AWAY FROM HERE! I almost do not even care if I find a girlfriend to come with, Ill go by my damn self. SERENITY NOW!!!
3. I am vengeful. As revenge for Rich being an utterly unreasonable asshole, I am exacting my revenge by wielding my credit card all over the internet. He may be an ass, but my ass is going to look damn cute in those jeans.
4. My frined had a baby, and when I met the baby my first reaction was to recoil in shock. It was a scary, ugly baby. WHO reacts that way to a baby? People going to hell, that's who.

Friends

So, here is a good example of why I do not let my fb life and my blog life intersect. Get a load of this friend request...

"MaryBeth, I know you'll NEVER add me to to your friend list in real life, but maybe you will here on facebook world. I have a 100% friend acceptance rate and am curious to see if you will be the one to break that chain of success."

Now in all fairness, this is an ass-hat I chased down to the church parking lot to yell at him. And called him an arrogant, self-absorbed ass-hat on numerous occasions. Because he is. so, he is justified in his assertion that I would NEVER give him the time of day in real life. However, isn't it just further evidence of his self-absorbed and narcissistic manner to challenge me to break his "100% acceptance rate?" Good Grief! Go love yourself in the mirror a little more. Good to see that 8 years hasn't changed you a bit you arrogant, self-absorbed, ass-hat.

I sent this reply:
"I'll add you. You get points for giving me a good laugh. Seriously, hope all is well with you and yours. I think I heard that you finally quit sowing the oats and got married?!@$@!? Ill start a series of novenas for that poor, poor, long-suffering woman immediately. The fact that she has neither divorced you nor killed you in your sleep speaks to her sainthood. Still playing navy?"

The upside here is that you can all plainly see that I don't really talk about people behind their backs. I generally only say things I am willing to say directly to you. The problem is, I'm generally willing to say just about anything directly to you.

Just a Phase, Right?

So, I have a confession. I am SICK TO FREAKING DEATH of being old and responsible. I'm sick of being practical and dependable. I have been all of these things since the dawn of time. Something snapped about a week or so ago. I want to go out. I want to be carefree and fun. I NEED a party. Lots of parties. Crazy, rumpus ones.

MORE of THIS:
LESS of THIS:



I'm assuming, because I think I'm a pretty darn good mom, that I will get over this. Its just a phase. It will pass. But, in the meantime...My champagne glass needs a refill, please.

Lesser Moments in Parenting; You Can't Kill a Chicken That's Already Dead!

I have a temper. A big, bad one. I have learned over the years how to contact my inner "zen" when i feel myself losing it. However, there is one topic that causes me to blow my top every. single. time. My husband has an annoying way of belittling my housekeeping skills. I am not the best at it. But, I like it to be clean and orderly and I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up about it all the time. I am a VERY busy person. I have three kids and a husband who is perpetually traveling. You might be able to imagine how much it makes me crazy when he saunters home from a trip in a hotel room to let me know how I could be doing things better around here. Ya know? AS IF he has a fllippin clue as to how to run things around here or how crazy it is on a day to day basis. Even on the few times I have left him in charge I come home to homework not done, bedtimes ignored, and sometimes a mess in the kitchen. Weekends he's in charge - I leave meals to eat, school project supplies purchased and organized with a plan for the project...let's just say he doesn't get the REAL picture of what it is like to be me! And, he has this completely DELUDED notion that he is the only one in the house who picks up after himself and he is rather sanctimonious about it. This makes my head spin in rapid circles while levitating above my neck because he has NO IDEA how many things of his I pick up and put away on a daily basis. I could explain this topic forever, but that is not the point today (although it is always the point of every irritating thought in my head!). Long point made short - his commenting on housework makes me mad as hell.

One night a few years ago, I was already in a bad mood due to children being irritating and especially needy. The house was a mess. I had had a hell of a day. We had just moved here and I was homesick and had no friends. I was making dinner. It was probably something yummy, but I don't remember what it was. I was managing dinner, homework, and at that point Grant was still a new walker and was toddling around behind me whining and clutching my legs while I tried to bustle around the kitchen. There was a package of chicken breasts on the counter. One of the packages in the styrofoam trays. Rich enters the house and proceeds to criticize my parenting, my homework tutelage, etc, etc....I'm obviously pissed, yet he just keeps right on. I think I even warned him to cut it out! Then, he did it...He stared asking me in some condescending, sing-song way about every thing on the counter. Fight started. Game on.

I was so irate that I think I honestly blacked out. I remember feeling dizzy and woozy my head was spinning so fast. My ears were literally hot. I was getting ready to slice the chicken breasts with a big knife. Finally, I was ready to hurt someone or throw something. Somehow this rage turned into me screaming at him to "JUST!! SHUT!! UP!!!! I! HATE!! YOU!!" while I stabbed the chicken over and over with the big knife. Next thing I know, I see Jamie and Connor (ages 9 and 6) cowering in the corner, whimpering, "she's killing the chicken...." I had scared the crap out of them. I feel very badly about it to this day. It was DEFINITELY a lesser moment in parenting. It got worse. Later, when trying to apologize to everyone for my inexcusable behavior I tried to justify part of my behavior by rationalizing that you can't kill something that is already dead. (told Rich privately that he should be damn happy there was chicken on the counter or he might have been at the end of my knife instead of the chicken) However, it is pretty funny around here when people use the chicken as a warning. Just the other day, Rich and I were bantering about politics (when aren't we?) and Jamie says, "Dad, I think you'd better cool it or she's gonna kill another chicken." And, whenever Rich helps cook (and by help, I mean take things out of the refrigerator when I ask, because seriously, I'm not sure he can boil water) if there is chicken anywhere to be seen, he will point to he chicken and say, "you boys better behave or the chicken's gonna get it!"

Are you all afraid of me now?

Misjudged and Underestimated - AGAIN!

Admittedly, and thankfully, I look a bit young for my age, and look too young to have 13 yr old child. Also admittedly, I am younger than the average mom of a 13 yr old 7th grader. However, I do NOT look like a teen bride. I have to cover gray hair for heaven's sake!

I really thought that back when I turned 30 people would start to take me seriously. People would stop saying stupid things like, "what were you, like FIFTEEN when you had your first?" I thought that being able to answer the inevitable, "How old ARE you?" question with an answer that the did not start with twenty, but rather the more respectable thirtysomething would buy me a little respect. Au contrar, Mufrair!!! (No, I do NOT know how to spell that - phonetically is all I got!)

I am now well on my way out of my early thirties and into my mid thirties, and yet...We are "mentoring" a new family at our school. They are older, late-in-life parents. They have been polite, but cool and stand-offish with me while I have been trying to befriend them and to help them with their transition to Texas and to our school. Today, all of a sudden, she called me. She was friendly and gracious. She was complimenting how organized, informative, and efficient the New Parent Orientation was last night. She even remarked that I "looked very professional" and that I was "organized and well informed." While this was very complimentary, her tone revealed her surprise at all she was saying. Once again, she, like many others before her, had assumed I was a bumble-headed young thing incapable of all the things she had seen. It was as if she expected any event that I was in charge of would be a complete disaster and that I wouldn't even know how to dress myself appropriately to speak in front of 75 new parents! And, you know what else? I wonder if she noticed that the lovely Jennifer is a good deal younger than I! Yes, we two young bumble heads who enjoy discussing cute shoes and lipstick shades are capable of all kinds of grown-up activities!

AARGH! This should not frustrate me this much, but it does. At what age will this age bias cease? When will I no longer have to PROVE to people I am not an idiot. Or, is it not the age factor at all? (though I'm sure that it is because people come right out and say it!) Is it because I am not gainfully employed outside of the home?

Surely some of you have experienced similar things, right? People who assume you are not a serious or smart person because you read InStyle or Cosmo during your study breaks? Or you like to wear makeup and cute clothes instead of sweats or pajamas to college classes? Did this happen when you young professionals were just starting your careers?

It's Like I'm Twittering - Only On Blogger and With Visuals

Because you know, there just wasn't enough going on INSIDE my house...




Yes, half of my driveway is GONE - very convenient for all those crews working on my house, um, OR NOT! Although they probably LOVE it - seeing as how they get paid per hour of labor and they spend 25% of their time moving their trucks at the City of Fort Worth's whim...


You know that deep down inside you wish you had one of these parked in your front yard, too!
Did I mention that all of this insanity of making the street look like a war zone is to result in our street being narrower??? Because some brainiac at City Hall decided that every single street in Fort Worth should be exactly the same width. Our circa 1950 streets are too wide. "They" say that this will save the city millions in the long run when it comes time to resurface streets. Yes, after you pay to extend every single homeowner's sprinkler system, sod the new portions of "yard," and create new curbs....yes, I can see how that will save you TONS of money. And, NO, they are NOT putting in sidewalks with the reclaimed space - dumb. dumb, dumb...

I need some more pie. Pass a fork, please.

Against All Odds

I might have had sinusitis, asthma, and bronchitis.
My husband might have been JA'd.
I might have had to take Grant to urgent care on Saturday to check out the fever and "funny sound in his ear" only to discover that he did not have an ear infection and that his fever was totally unexplainable.
Connor might have woken up puking at 5am the day we were supposed to leave (the 2nd try) for vacation.
Connor might have been convinced by his father that he had appendicitis and might die in the van on i-20 when his appendix ruptured. Thus, we did not leave the house at the ass crack of dawn as planned.
Despite ALL of THAT crap i am here at the beach! (blogging after WAY too much chianti) AND i will have you know that, according to the very accurate GPS we stopped for a grand total of 13 minutes ONCE for gas, potty, and food between Fort Worth and Destin. WITH THREE CHILDREN! My kids ROCK! We left the house at noon and made it to our condo at 10:30pm!!

Apparently, however, I stole my credit card from myself and, thief and fugitive that I am, tried to buy groceries at a Publix in Desin, FL. They were very sorry that I couldn't purchase my groceries but the fraud department had been trying to contact me all day about suspicious activity on my card. hmmmm....could it have been gas and Wendy's in Louisiana???? hmmmm...is that on the way from Texas to Florida???
Juan finally got it all straightened out when i told him that if he couldn't fix it before my Starbucks Java Chip ice cream melted in my cart that HE was going to have to entertain all 6 cousins in one condo while it was raining.

Tomorrow - reading, sun, cajun crab dip, and more red wine! Wanna come over? You're all invited!

Throwing in the Towel

I'm resetting the countdown to vacation clock over there ------> (the one in the pink box) I left the doctor (last time I was in a dr's office - 2004!) with a z-pack, inhaler, zyrtec-D and an actual note on his scrip pad to REST AND NAP! He also told me to drink less coffee - but, like, yeah right, dude! WHATEV!

So, the final nail in the vacation timeline was delivered by a friendly airline who jetway JA'd* (I can see all you airline wives rolling your eyes right now) the husband....Gotta just love that! (((NOT!!!))) But, after I got over my initial reaction to that - which was too obscene even for this trashy blog - I realized that it was sign - I'm just not up to leaving right now. AND definitely not up to driving it myself. So, now I can do some of the things I wasn't going to have time to do if I left tomorrow as planned. You know, right after I rest and nap after I don't drink any coffee....HA! As if!

Also, anybody have any great Father's Day ideas????

Oh, one last funny...I took the boys to see Kung Fu Panda on Friday. Right at the beginning there was a line where the Panda says, " There is no charge for the awesomeness, or attractiveness." What a great name for someone's blog!! I can see it now - "Awesomeness and Attractiveness Free of Charge!"

* For the non-initiated - they radio you in-flight to call scheds when you get on the ground...then, you call and scheds says, "Oh, you thought you were going home, did ya? Well, no you aren't. Here are two more days (or whatever joy they are handing you)."

This is a Friday? Can I get a do-over please?

Have you ever seen the Lemony Snicket's movie, A Series of Unfortunate Events? Well, at the very beginning, there is an adorable cheerful clip of a movie about happy elves which is abruptly stopped as the narrator says, "I'm terribly sorry. This isn't the movie you'll be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a movie about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theater number 2." Tonight that would be a fitting intro for this blog!

*I slept a whopping total of four hours last night. Those four hours were not consecutive, and some parts of them were spent on the bathroom floor hoping that steam from the shower would help Grant to stop coughing and to breathe a little easier.

*Connor was bawling that his ear hurt. hmmm, oh, yeah, remember that fever from a few days ago? Now, I'm catching on...

*I cleaned out the refrigerator

*I had a laser hair removal appt - if you haven't done this, I recommend it, but OMG does it hurt LIKE HELL!

*My mouth is in pain from the dental work I had done yesterday.

*The doc prescribed stuff for the boys. I dropped scrips off at 2:15pm. At 4:50pm the pharmacy realized that they couldn't decipher one of the scrips and faxed the offices (why not JUST CALL???) surprise - already gone home. DUH! No meds for you, MaryB!

*Go to Central Market to get sushi for boys and myoplex bars for me. Forget it was Friday - Burgers and Bock. Look at all adorable, fun people as I wait for a parking place for like 25 minutes. Feel like loser when I see everyone on the patio living it up with the live band whilst I get take out sushi in my workout wear. THEN, most all sushi was gone!

*Leave Central Market with NO Dorothea's potato chip goat cheese! (trust me! Sounds crazy, but is De-lish!)

*Mow lawn. This a real PITA since the Texas State Utilities Commission and Atmos (Assmost as we are currently referring to them here) are taking their sweet time redoing all the gas lines on our street. Almost fall into 15 ft deep hole they have dug in my yard.

*Delicately handle a WAY weird text message from neighbor. (Nervous tummy x 100,000!)

*The only good parts - Watching the 2nd half of August Rush with the boys, and seeing Rich's number on my caller ID for the first time in weeks! One more two-way run of the Orient and then he is on his way home!

This was NOT how I envisioned the beginning of our summer vacation!

I will find something happy and uplifting to say tomorrow. Hope you all had fun for me this Friday night!

Its Official! Straight from the Couch!

Let's get the awkward part out of the way...I've been seeing a therapist, okay? You would too if you moved to Texas.


First things first, I must think of something to call Ms. Therapist because therapist is too creepily formal. How about ShrinkyDink? An ode to arts and crafts of the 70s and 80s.


So, in "visiting" with ShrinkyDink, I may have discovered my personal "WHY" of blogging. This "WHY" question seems to be a prevalent blog topic, and I, not really one to contemplate the "why's" of things, never understood the prevalence. (Could I use a few more quotation marks? Is the quotation mark going to replace the ellipsis as my favorite punctuation mark?)


It seems that "pickings are slim" for friends here in Cowtown. (again with the quotation marks - but it is a quote of exactly what she said!) Yes, I have social acquaintances and such, but only one real friend and she likes to accuse me of being OC and anorexic which is getting OLD. The SAHMs here seem to like to participate in the big game of Competitive Parenting. A game in which I refuse to play. I am used to having a non-judgemental, open-minded, fun, and worldly bunch of girls. They were(are!) self confident, accomplished women who didn't need to hide behind their children or tear other people down to make themselves seem bigger. 'Round these here parts, it seems, all those types work outside the home. Thus, I am left seemingly alone to deal with those who choose to compete and live vicariously through their children. Ugh!

Eureka!!! This must be why I blog! So, if you are a real life friend 'o mine from one locale or another, you should be honored. Apparently I blog because I miss your smart and witty repartee!

Professional Advice from ShrinkyDink: Keep blogging or I will lean more and more on poor 'ol Rich who will be all, "Ugh! Woman! Space!! Please! Can't Breathe!"

Are we having fun yet?

Want to know the best way to spend your anniversary and the first day of summer vacation?

Well, it's NOT away from your husband, 11 hours with no electricity in the Texas heat, trying to dose out some meds for your child who has a 104 degree fever by candlelight. Oh, and the day started with a phone call from school to bring one of the boys a uniform because, apparently, free dress passes cannot be used on days with awards assembly.

Yeah, that pretty much sucked.

It can only get better from here, right? Thank goodness I've got Destin and Santa Fe looming in my future.

Speaking of Judging....

*Hey you bunch of weirdo moms who acted all stupid that I ordered a vodka and soda last night...

Exactly what is any different about my drink of choice and your margaritas? Except for like about 5 bazillion calories?


*Hey Tessie, Does this rule also apply to beverages? Can I get that in writing?

Too Annoyed to Think of a Pissy Title

Once again I was in the awkward position of feeling as though I had to defend my choice of school for my children. I am getting REALLY, REALLY TIRED of this. My irritation with this topic is trumped only by the lady in the grocery who, upon seeing me (children in tow) pick up a gallon of whole milk, felt the need to tell me that the AAP suggests low-fat after age two. WTF? WHY do people feel the need to interfere in other people's lives? Did she notice that my children are so skinny that CPS might take them away at any moment for malnourishment? Does she know that my oldest is on the verge of going on growth hormones and that he has been undergoing many a bone scan, x-ray, and blood tests??? I just smiled and said,"Well, my pediatrician disagrees with you when it comes to my small children." It occurs to me that she walked off thinking that not only do I not understand nutrition, but that I take my kids to quack of a pediatrician. (Nothing could be further from the truth by the way - she is brilliant. I LOVE her!) Okay. Off topic. Moving on...

To steal a phrase from Tessie, I am WICKED PISSED! My boys go to Catholic school, okay? NOT private school. They are NOT the same thing! BTW, I have nothing against private schools either. Here is a list of things people have said to to me in the past. In real life, I usually pull out my pocket phrase* of, "Well, schools are like shoes and the same one doesn't fit everybody." In purple are things I'd like to say, but rarely do.

• "Don't you think it is irresponsible to spend all that money on elementary school?" Excuse me, is that ANY of your business, and do you even know how much my tuition bill is at our school or how much money we do or do not make?
• "How do you plan to fund their college education? Wouldn't that be a better plan for your money?" Well, maybe - except that I have like five good reasons to disagree with you. What I do not have is either the time or inclination to explain them to you.
• "You know, you are only hurting them in the long run. They will go crazy when you let them out into the real world. You have to stop sheltering them!" Funny thing that - I have like 13 years of Catholic schooling under my belt and have yet to go crazy. The percentage of kids I graduated from grade school or high school with that "went crazy" is NO different than the percentage that "go crazy" in general. Honestly, I'm one of the more well adjusted people I know.
• "People who think they are too good for public school piss me off!" (yes, someone at the park actually said that to me directly after asking me where my kids go to school!)" I have absolutely no words for this one except to say that all three of my boys have better manners than that jerk! No, I do not think I am "too good" for public school. I do, however, think I am "too good" to bother talking to you any further!
• "All of my friends who went to private school were afraid of black people." (OH AND AND AND the person who said this one to me didn't use the word black people - think of a really nasty slur - that's what SHE said!) Tolerance and acceptance is taught at home - not at school. Frankly, I think the Catholic church does a much better job backing up what we teach at home than the average Texan I meet around here. (Sorry for the sweeping generalization here, but really...the racism here blows. my. mind.) One of my proudest moments as a parent was the time that one of my nieces asked her mom if a black girl could marry a white boy. My oldest was there and looked at her like she had nine heads and said, "well, they're both people, right?"
• "Why would you send your children to a school that is not overseen by the state? Is there any accountability without the state tests?" TAKS or FCAT and the like? Teacher pay and bonuses tied to the results? Are you kidding me? Putting those teachers in an impossible situation where you tie their hands to a test and impede their ability to do what they do best? you know, TEACH! You think this is a GOOD idea? You know who oversees my kids school? ME! That's the hell who!
• "Do you realize that you are hurting my children by not sending your kids to public school? I mean you are taking money out of my children's school system!" WTF????? No you dumb ass - I'm helping you. My tax money gets collected and spent just like everyone else's! I'm actually paying money into a system I'm not using which actually BENEFITS you. Do the math!

Oh my gosh, there are SOO many more I could tell you about, but these are some of the highlights. Just to be very, very clear. I have no doubt that the children of my friends who are in the local elem. school are getting a very good education. I'm just saying it is not the choice for us, and I do NOT understand why people feel that it is appropriate to comment, judge, or lecture me about it. I would never do this to anyone about any of their life choices.

I'm looking back and realizing that I did not exactly explain myself very well about how Catholic school is NOT the same as private school. It would take me pages and pages to try to explain this. I will try to cover this in tomorrow's post though. It is a subject near and dear to my heart. And, if you have any questions about Catholic education, feel free to ask. There seem to be a lot of misperceptions out there and I would like to clear them up so I can stop dodging the "Where do your kids go to school?" question like a slick politician.

###DISCLAIMER### Do not take the poor writing on this blog as evidence of shitty Catholic education. I simply refuse to obsess and edit what I write here the way I do everything else. There has to be an end to my OCD and I say it is at this blog. I spew, I spellcheck, I publish. The end. If you ask my children they will tellyou that Iam actually the grammar Nazi. If 12 yrs of Catholic school grammar don't drill it into you, I assure you that 4 semesters of Latin definitely will!

*pocket phrases are phrases that I use verbatim, in a practiced, friendly tone, when I can feel the inside spool reeling up to unleash on someone. I have several that I can rely on to get me out of almost any situation before I lose it and say things I shouldn't. Maybe I should post them. They are so, so useful, but only if you practice them! You have to be willing to talk to yourself in the mirror...

Time

It all started when I was leaving a comment on Slynn's exercise post. My comment dragged on and on and took off on a tangent. AND THEN I SOMEHOW DELETED IT. Shit! No time to retype it all, and it was probably too long anyway. So, I told her I'd answer her query over here.

Let me start by saying that I probably should not participate in her poll because I am not really an "age cohort" like she was looking for. In my head I am, but in reality...notsomuch. That disclaimer aside, Ill answer that I exercise anywhere from 3 to 6 times per week. What do I do? Hmmm, well, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the treadmill which, apparently, is odd. (odd in that I HATE to run outside, but love to run on the treadmill) I love the hum and whir. It is downright hypnotic. I love that. I try to mix it up with the bike and the wave though to avoid that muscle memory/body efficiency thing I hear about. Now, when I was a good little gym rat before the BFL days, I did cardio on Mondays, floor (kick yo ass) Pilates on Tuesdays, Cardio on Wednesdays, a class called Muscle Mix on Thursdays (think Body Pump if you are familiar with that), and Fridays was the "true ballerina" Pilates. Saturday was either cardio at the gym or a good hour long walk in the neighborhood which they call RXXXX Hills for reason! These hills will tone your rear with a quickness! That all changed when Grant started speech therapy. I still made it to the gym sometimes, but the schedule never left a long enough period of time for me to get in a good workout and have time to be showered and presentable. Then, Rich and I started Body for Life and that fell apart for similar reasons. I am thankful that I have been able to stick with some of it though because I no longer fear the free weights. Right now, the end of the school year is kicking my ass and I have not really exercised in like two and a half weeks. I, however, feel like I haven't sat still once. I cant even sit long enough to blog!

Now, here is the tangent that is going to get poo flung at me....In thinking about all the excuses for not exercising I know that the top of everyone's list is "the kids." I get that. Totally. And, everyone thinks that they will get back to the gym and start taking care of themselves when the kids are old enough to go to school. Well, I am older than pretty much all of the people I consider my "blog friends." So I read a lot of comments about people with babies and toddlers. I know what it is like to be a SAHM to small children. You are exhausted mentally and physically a lot of the time. Believe me, I know. (The Evil Queen can vouch for me that when my older two were that age I had a husband who left for weeks and months at a time sometimes with no notice.) Here is what I am going to tell you SAHM of small children....YOU HAVE IT BACKWARDS! NOW is the time you can take care of yourself. Assuming of course that you can find/afford a gym with daycare. OR you can push toddlers in the stroller or join Stroller Strides. Because here is the thing guys...your days are full of childcare and housekeeping BUT, BUT BUT, your schedule is your own to make! YOU choose when to be places, you choose what you are going to do in a day, and you can choose to just throw in the towel some days. Well, when the kids start school that shit is over! They have to be at school on time, they have to be picked up they have homework, they have soccer, tennis, band, detention.. they have Science Fair and History Fair. They have friends. They have meet the teacher night, and spring musicals. Somewhere in there you have to feed them and call out their spelling words and check their math and help them understand dangling participles. And, you can't decide to put this stuff off until tomorrow or whatever. The school and teams, and crap make the schedules. Your life works itself AROUND those schedules. You don't make the rules about time anymore. And, I can hear you all now in your heads saying, "Well, MaryB, you chose this, you let them do all that stuff!" NOPE! My kids are limited to ONE structured activity other than school at a time. And still, just the school will kill you.

So what I'm saying is this - Enjoy your freedom. Make your own schedule. Be the boss. And, if you are so inclined exercise NOW, because if you think it will be easier when they finally go to school, you're wrong. Evidence - I lose about 7 lbs every summer! Because my time is my own. I MAKE the rules about how I use it. OR, possibly, 7 lbs evaporates because I live in the hottest dame place EVER! Did I mention my car thermometer read 102 effing degrees today! It is not even June!

You think this is pissy??? Just wait til tomorrow!

Priorities

You know what? Maybe if you let your membership to Snooty McBitcherson's country club expire you could add on a bathroom to your 1 bath house. Seriously, you have three children! You cannot repeatedly whine about your cramped living quarters while simultaneously overtly bragging about your "meehhmbuhship" at McBitcherson's. I'm not judging your choice of priorities (well, maybe a little), but I am telling you to make your choices and own them!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?*&#!%?! Part 2

Me? PTO president? Seriously? I am so very flattered that you asked, really I am (even though I am guessing that it was mostly out of desperation). But, have. you. met. me? I am not patient. I am not good at delegating. I am a control freak and tend to get a little pissy when things are not done my way. I am overly opinionated about why and how things should be done. Did you hear me last week when I said the first thing I would do if I was PTO president would be to disband the PTO??? I do not believe in perpetuating the vain efforts of an ineffectual organization. I would create a room mothers' association, because that's what it is.

On the other hand, who the hell am I kidding? We all know perfectly well that you will call me back and tell me that there is just no one else who could possibly do this next year and how you neeeeddd me to do this. I will be guilted into agreeing and then I will hate myself (and possibly you) for the next 12 months. I should just go ahead and call the real mafia (cuz I gots me some connections!) to take care of the Dad's Club Mafia because they will be the second, if not the very first, person/persons to piss me the hell off.

You know what? If I got a part time job at the Banana, I'd get a discount on some cute clothes! Am I going to be getting a discount on tuition?