Excuse me.....

But what the hell is this?????

Free Advice

This is not the method I would prescribe if you want to sell your house quickly. Despite the popularity of the contrary saying, honesty is NOT ALWAYS the best policy.

The Third Little Pig

Now, the third little pig was a smart little pig and knew he wanted to make his house out of brick. The big bad wolf could not blow down a house made of durable, beautiful brick. The third little pig looked and looked for a brick that was just right. He even called Goldilocks because she is the expert of "just right." The Pig and Goldilocks drove through countless neighborhoods, took hundreds of pictures, and looked at interesting houses in different times of day and sunlight. None of the bricks were just right. But, then, one day, they found the brick that was "just right!"

So, they called the house builder and said, "We have found the just right brick. We are so excited!"

And the builder said, "I know it is just right. BUT, I am so sorry. You cannot have it because the house right next door to you thought it was 'just right' too."

The Little Pig will have to keep looking.

Grant Funnies

Grant was a hoot this weekend. First of all, I REALLY wish I had pictures of him dancing at the school dance on Friday. SO SO SO funny! He did bring two balloons home from the dance. He was feeling artsy on Saturday morning after the dance.

Meet Harry Popper and Pinky:

Grant says that they are in love and like to kiss alot - especially on Valentine's Day. And, can we just stop for a moment and realize how adorable, smart, witty and clever he is that he gave the boy balloon round spectacles and named him "Harry Popper" all on his own. I know I am his mother and therefore biased but I'm just gonna say that I think it is awfully clever for a five year old to come up with that kind of play on words.

In a more disturbing turn of events...Saturday morning found us sleeping in late and Grant finally came in and crawled in the bed. He was chatting with mom and dad when he remembered that it was Valentine's Day. Rich asked him if he knew what Valentine's Day was about. Grant said, "yes. it is when you pull your pants down and spread your love around the whole world." WTH? WHO the heck are this kid's parents? They must be some seriously effed-up people. I'm just sayin.

A Public Service Announcement

Let me give you some advice. The economy is kicking all of our arses right now. We all need to cut corners, trim the fat, reign in the spending, etc, etc, (Pick your own colloquialism)

Here are two ideas I will save you from trying:

1. Do not wax your own legs. It is a total PIA and the wax does not peel off in big, nice strips. It flakes off in little pieces. I have a darn high threshold for pain when it comes to waxing. So, don't go assuming it was because I lacked the fortitude to really do it right. No, home waxing just has a steep learning curve and is NOT NOT NOT worth the effort. By the time you spend money for wax and other supplies and then see how long it takes to do it right, you realize that a leg wax at European Skin Care isn't so expensive after all.

2. Aquafresh White Trays work like a dream. All the strip style home whiteners have been dismal failures for me. They do not git in my mouth, they slide around and generally annoy the crap out of me. The Aquafresh trays stay put. they mold to fit. They are perfect. HOWEVER, my teeth and gums have been suffering weird, painful twinges all day long. Strangest, most unpleasant sensation. Maybe I should just try giving up the coffee and thus reduce my need for whitening. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... AS IF!!!! Oh Holy Sheet!!! As I am sitting here, RIGHT THE HECK NOW typing this, a commercial just popped up on the telly for "NEW Aquafresh Gentle Care Whitening Trays" that comes with a special toothpaste to prepare your teeth and gums in case the whitening agent bothers you.....Something that would have been nice to know about YES-TER-DAY!!!!!

Free Prying Questions With Purchase (Now Edited to Include Reader Participation!)

Yesterday found me at Target to buy supplies for Connor's project, Benadryl for his rash, and coffee creamer for my survival.

So, it is odd then, that when I checked out I had about a bazillion dollars worth of new lingerie. They have cute stuff there people! And, their 32A gel push-ups are one of the two best bras I've ever found for my "petite" physique. Anyways, I was checking out with about 8 or 9 matching sets of very pretty (and a little "racy") things. The checker-outer is going about her scanning of the many items and then stops abruptly. She has an eggplant colored lacy bra in her hand as she looks up at me and says,



"So, did you just get a divorce?"

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION NOW REQUIRED:
Slynnro makes a good point in the comments. On the outside I stared at her blankly and said something really eloquent like, "uuummm, no." On the inside I was lecturing her that "if more married women were wearing this stuff regularly maybe there would be less divorces" and some other snarky comments about "married people get laid too, ya know."
NOW, I want to know what YOU would have said!!!!!

Hindsight Is Indeed 20/20 (Brilliantly Illustrated By Shonda Rhimes)

Did you watch Grey's Anatomy last night?

You know how "they" say that the things that are the funniest are those things rooted in some amount of truth? Well, I could not have been laughing harder as Christina, Meredith, and Izzie watched the dermatology residents with equal parts awe, jealousy, and disdain. THAT is EXACTLY how college was for me. Other people having that quintessential, fun college experience while I toiled away like Quasimodo in a lab. I remember walking to The Commons to get some lunch and seeing adorable sorority girls stretched out on their Greek embroidered, oversized beach towels clad in adorable bikinis studying in the sun. I simultaneously adored and hated them. It was exactly like what you saw last night on Grey's! They were putting on the sunscreen while my pasty white nerdy butt was upstairs running a GC-Mass Spec and and IR on the damn oxybenzone in their sunscreen. The Greek girls were all sharing the knowledge of professors' past tests and helping each other through while all the people I knew were one step short of trying to actually sabotage each other because they (thankfully not me - I was going to law school)) were all competing for the same med school slots.

All that so that I could be the effing PTO president and be known for the best desserts in the neighborhood. Why didn't the future me clue the college me in?

As an aside, how sorry did you feel for Lexie, and why is Derek being such an ass?

Please take note! This is in NO WAY a slam on Greek life or non-technical college people. In fact, I'm saying those people were way smarter than me and I wished I had realized it back then! I am openly admitting my jealousy so save the hate mail for another day.

Overheard From The Back Of The Van

You guys are going to think I made this up. This was an actual, practically verbatim conversation from the back of my van this afternoon during carpool. If you do do not believe me, you can call or email Jamie or Connor. They were there too, they can vouch for my truthfulness! Grant is five and Livvy is four. All capitalization was actual emphatic voice raising and inflection...


Olivia: Are we getting married?

Grant: Yeah, still. But when we're married it is YOUR job to change ALL da diapers.

Olivia: Not when I go to Book Club. When I go to Book Club you have to change the diapers. Even the poopy ones.

Grant: I'll go to Book Club.

Olivia: Daddies don't go to Book Club. They stay home to change the diapers and put all the kids in the bed.

Grant: We'll have to take the babies on our date.

Olivia: NNNOOOO THAT is a family date!! When WE go on a date the Grammy or the Auntie or the babysitter will change the diapers.

Grant: We have to take the baby on the dates!

Olivia: THAT IS NNNOOOTT A DATE!!! Dates are when the babies STAY HOME! When we get married you will know that.

Times like these, I am so glad I got the van without the rear entertainment system. This is SO much better!

His and Hers (AKA: Never A Dull Moment Around Here)

Honestly, I HATE bumper stickers, yard signs, and all of that. It just seems so divisive and "in your face" to me. And, is anyone really going to decide to vote for a candidate because of your bumper sticker or button? If they are, then they shouldn't be voting at all. BUT, I backed out of the garage the other day to discover THAT on the back of his car. And, oh hell no! Game On.

Sometimes Husbands Are Funny

Rich arrived home from a kick-in-the-pants 3-day trip last night at around midnight. We hung out for just a bit before heading off the bed. You know, because we had to discuss all the shitty crap that happened yesterday, and the state of the economy, and remodeling projects, and gripe about weirdo captains. What can I say? We are nothing if not uplifting around here.

But I digress. The point is that we were up pretty late. Alarms start their hideous beeping around here at 6:40am. For me this is not a problem. I don't sleep much. It's just a thang. For Rich, the rack-monster, this is a big problem. It is really hard coming home to a normal people schedule when you fly pm lines. Despite all, he got up and helped me get the kids off to school and mowed the lawn even though he is now sitting three days of reserve.

Once the lawn was finished, and we were inside planning the rest of the day we kept having to adjust our plans due to the "well, if THEY call..." He went to make sure his uniform was ready and that his bag was packed while I worked on some budgeting crap for the PTO. A few moments later he came down the hall announcing that he really didn't think he'd be going to work today. He was annoyed at the thought of going right back on a trip after only being home for a few hours and he was tired. Furthermore, he didn't feel well. I asked him what was wrong. He replied that he might have to call in sick because he had a major case of anal glaucoma.

I said, "huh? What ?"

He said, "I really cannot see my ass going to work today."

Rich Comments on the Blog

me: Hey, did I tell you I am going to try to grow my hair out, like waaay longer?
rich: yes, I know.
me: Did i tell you that already?
rich: i read it on your blog.
me (in head): Oh shit.

me: blog surfing and checking comments
rich: reading over my shoulder
rich: geez, everyone who reads your blog is going to think I'm a spoiled brat.
me: and? You have problem with truth in advertising?

rich: your new background is hard to read and looks like an old lady's house.
me: Oh? I'll change it then.
me: changes background to polka-dots
me: Is this one easier to read?
rich: Yes, but it is so damn effeminate.
me: Uh? The "about me?" Did you read that? The "a girly girl" part?
rich: girls are stupid

Another Lesser Moment in Parenting Brought To You by Campaign 08

Boys: "Mom, why do you and Daddy disagree so much about politics?"

Mom: "Because Daddy is too dumb to realize that I am smarter."

I explained to them that I was kidding. I promise I did. Well, mostly kidding.

Letting the Punishment Fit the Crime

If you know me IRL, then you know that this is often how I parent. I think the fancy-pants psychologists call it "natural-consequence parenting." I call it "better than screaming my bloody head off and wanting to strangle them parenting." I like to make a lasting impression on them so that they do not repeat whatever offensive behavior has occurred. ( I am afraid that, on occasion, the lasting impression created is that their mother is a psycho.)

For example, when the big two were little and they got into a squabble that escalated to the point where one hit, pinched, kicked the other then the punishment was that they had to sit and hold hands for 5 minutes. At the end of the five minutes, they could only get up if they could apologize to each other and tell me three good reasons they were glad that the other was their brother. (do I have this on video? You better believe it!) If you slam a door in this house, you are required to SLOWLY open and close it 10 times without making a bit of noise - If you make noise, you start back over at 1. If you cannot pick up your toys, then obviously you have too many to handle and we should give them to unfortunate children who do not have so many. Can't stop biting your nails in church? Well then, obviously you need a manicure! Which I will complete with pink nail polish that you will leave on for at least 24 hours as we run around town.

I've got more, but you get the idea. Yes?

Today was a "non-uniform" day at school. Jamie came out for breakfast looking presentable. However, I noticed that he had on no-show socks with his Vans. The school has some stupid rule about this for some unknown, stupid reason. Your socks have to show and they have to cover your ankle bone. ( I know! DUMB! but its the RULE!) I brought this to Jamie's attention. He informed me that I was wrong and that Amber (a girl in his class) told him that the rule had changed. I replied that I was unaware of this and that I would know as I am on the darn policy committee. He insisted that he was SURE about this new found sock freedom. He ate and left for school.

I went about my normal business. At around 10:30 am I went to pull my cell phone off the charger. I saw that I had a missed call/voicemail at 8:21am. Do I really need to tell you who it was from and what it said? Of course it was Jamie pleading for me to bring him socks so that he would not get an Out of Uniform violation....HA! AS IF! No way! You can take the violation, pal! I thought I was doing well to not cave and force him to suffer the consequences of his bad choices.

BUT I WAS OUTDONE AT MY OWN GAME!!!! I present you with the sight that greeted me when I picked him up at 3pm this afternoon...

Yes, yes, in case you can't see them clearly... Those are PINK knee socks!!!

The only problem here is that Jamie found it all quite hilarious, especially since two of his friends suffered the same fate. I think the three of them kind of enjoyed their "celebrity status" all day. Lets just hope that the lesson was still learned even if it wasn't exactly "the hard way."

Royalties Could Pay Off My New Floors!

Dear JC Penney,

Are you reading my blog? I'd like my royalty check please. AND, do you REALLY think today's hipsters even get your reference to The Breakfast Club? I mean, its not like every parent runs around quoting the brat pack like I do. However, if you want to keep going in this direction can I suggest a commercial set to OMD's "If You Leave" advertising all pink clothing and accessories?

Dear Rich,

I realize you are gift-giving challenged. Allow me to help you by presenting a small, certainly not comprehensive, list of sure fire birthday pleasers.

I don't usually like the thicker heels, but these shoes speak to me. I love classics and these are updated spectators. What's more classic than a shirt dress, trench coat, or spectators?

BUT, I want this dress in teak, not this coral color.

(Thank you, Slynnro!)

My bottle is running low, and I broke the spritzer head by dropping it on the tile.

Love this dress - so many ways to accessorize, and so figure flattering. Would be so cute with those shoes up at the top!

I have too many red dresses, but they are all summer dresses. This one I could wear through the fall.

There are so many more things that would bring a smile to may face, but these are a good place to start. Of course nothing would put a bigger smile on my face than a night on the town with you! A room at the Ashton and a night in Fort Worth would be a no-fail option also!

Love,

Your-soon-to-be-a-year-older wife, MaryB

A Quick Post So That You Don't Forget About Me

And, if that title does not cause your brain to conjure up the song, "doooo'nt yooouu forget about me. don't, don't , don't for-get about me..." Then you are too young , I don't like you anymore, and you are so NOT invited to any of my Breakfast Club parties.



So, my hormones are so out of whack that I, in the absence of salt and vinegar potato chips, am considering heading to the closest ranch and fighting the cattle for a turn at the salt lick. Is this part of getting older? this salt craving? Why am I not craving CHOCOLATE?

It Is a SAD State of Affairs

When the brightest part of your day occurs while you are driving home from Las Colinas via 183 AT RUSH HOUR ON A FRIDAY!!! And then, all is well and happy in the world because suddenly I am singing along with Young MC to Bust a Move. Oh, dear Lord, I REALLY am old.

Also, a shout out to you road warriors who put up with that traffic every damn day. You have nerves of steel. My stomach was in knots. If you are not aggressive enough, you'll miss your merge or exit, but if you are too aggressive...well, this IS Texas....you never know when some cowboy is gonna shoot you, literally, like with a bullet.

(There is no one on the internet who can butcher sentence structure as well as I can. I am so proud.)

Too Tired to Actually Write Anything...Change of Command Festivities

We took the boys out to the squadron to see some of the cool planes that had flown in for the Change of Command on the Friday before the ceremony.

Do I not look preggers in this picture? Must burn that shirt immediately. Such a shame - I thought I loved that top!


Rich will hate that I included this picture, but I HAD to beecaauuse, look at Connor's face! Me thinks someone was annoyed! (If you can't see his face - I think if you click on the picture it will go to full size. Same goes for all of my pics on this blog far as I can tell.)

What is so funny? ME! That's what! And they were laughing AT me, not WITH me! To avoid this situation I recommend not mistaking the word "ecstasy" (the drug) with the "exit seat."

When I was downloading the pictures off the camera, I was like, "Holy Crap! There's a ghost behind Rich!" I always knew Jason was creepy!

Believe it or not, this picture is a total candid, not posed AT ALL...The most quintessential picture of Patton ever!

All I can hear in my head is Reese Witherspoon, "You have your baby!......In. a. bar."


This is what Rich and MaryB look like with headaches after along day. Somehow, whenever the white uniforms get worn, headaches ensue.

Foiled by a Common Name

There are too many people who share my name. Which is funny because I do not know one single other person named MaryBeth or any other combination of my real name! And, apparently they are all yankees and belles. NEED HELP -NEED FUN TWITTER NAME!!! I've tried every version of my name, intitials, things related to yankees, Texas, and belles, ala the blog title.

Help a girl out, would ya?

At the moment the only thing I've tried that is still available is
Textastic. You guys are creative, funny and all that...help me out!

i had a big, serious post planned about how I am once again bemoaning my place in life because of a conversation i had with a doctor while getting pedicure yesterday....Who needs THAT kind of crap on a FRIDAY?? And, well, obviously, a cool Twitter name is MUCH more important!

I Am A Big Fat Liar

Dear Tracy,


I am very sorry to have told you a lie. I told you that my life had not been all that interrupted by the remodeling. Well, I can no longer stand by that statement. First of all, I was awakened this morning by a cal from my contractor (good neighbor friend a few houses down) at 6:54am to tell me that the worker bees were at my back door and couldn't get in. Duh!!! Every other work crew has shown up between 8 and 8:15am. My whole family was still sound asleep at 6:54am!!!! And then, this happened... (I hear it will be worse for the next week as the bed and texture, and paint crews start sanding and spraying)

What? You don't make breakfast in your bathroom?

BUT, BUT, BUT, Hey Mom!!! I have a PANTRY!!! FINALLY! Its not as big as we would've liked, but it is light years better than nothing which, as you know, is what we had before today! AND it has a door switch for the light - I LOVE those! they are ingenious! (Yes, indeed, I AM easily amused!)